Wednesday, May 9, 2012

You know your a Mom when....

I'm bored. I'm just randomly spouting things off...please feel free to add to the list as you come up with your own ideas! =)

You know your a Mom when:

1. You count every single food item you give to the kids so it's all even. Including the M&M's on top of a cookie. (God forbid 1 cookie has 2 M&M's on top rather than the 3 it is supposed to have. Looking at you Keebler Elves! This is your only job- get it right!)

2. You keep the plastic ice cream buckets, not for a craft, but because they make great puke buckets. (I keep quite a few of these...I will be running away from home if I ever need to employ more than 2 at one time.)

3. You plan your evening around the Sprout channel and your kids favorite shows. (I hate, hate, hate Caillou, but it's the one show they will all sit and watch in complete silence. Therefore, our evening has been planned around that 15 minute episode of pure hell and torture.)

4. You are scared of play dates. Not because of the other parent or their child, but you know the physical harm and damage your child can do to their child/house. (I wish I had calm, sweet children that didn't destroy everything in their path. Including other children.)

5. You haven't actually eaten a full meal since you started sharing a table with heathens. With all the yelling, cleaning up spilled drinks, replacing spilled drinks, yelling, refilling food plates, picking up food plates that have been thrown (and did I mention yelling?), there's been no time for you to actually consume food. (Great diet plan though!)

6. You can't remember life BC. (This stands for Before Children. It all seems like a dream...) And now you wonder what the hell you did with all that free time. But, if given that free time again, you would probably use it to shower, read a book or clean your house.

7. You start making dinners based on what your kids will eat versus what you actually want to eat. (It's a disaster here when I feed them food they won't like. It ends up on my wall, the floor, their hair, inside my shoes only to be discovered when I wear them to work...)

8. You notice all bowel movements so you can decide who needs prunes and who doesn't. (Except for my husband. There's no need for that kind of "closeness". He can get his own prunes.)

9. Every conversation you seem to have either revolves around your kids or works its way to your kids and what they did that was cute/annoying/sweet/funny/gross that day. (My poor, poor, coworkers. They get the brunt of my conversations...)

10. You haven't been able to shower as frequently as you wish, shave your legs as often as you need to, do anything to your hair that doesn't resemble a ponytail or bun, clip any of your nails (just run across concrete barefoot, they'll trim themselves!), clean anything as well as you would like or catch up on laundry since giving birth. (This is when I thank my husband for sticking with me even though I am very disgusting! are partially to blame. It's not like I just grew these kids in the backyard for fun.)

11. Your house decor is lacking in the "decor" portion. Whatever the kids could rip, eat, break apart or otherwise ruin, is no longer in residence (Apparently, that's everything in my house. I get to keep the couch and my end tables. But even my end tables have teeth marks...) But, taking place of your old decor, is now toys, blankets, pacifiers, old sippy cups, stray cheerios, ripped apart blinds, carpet stains and lots of dust. (And god forbid you leave 1 piece of paper laying around, because that will multiply into 10,000 pieces and scatter itself around the entire house.)

12. Your vehicle no longer has the fresh "new" car smell. It has a dirty diaper, sweat, old milk, vomit smell that is very difficult to get rid of. My vehicle is no longer clean or tidy, it is now filled with dirt, toys and rocks. (OK, so maybe my car was never THAT tidy...BUT it did NOT smell like vomit.)

13. You can brush your teeth, pick out school clothes, get breakfast ready, wipe the spilled milk and dress yourself, all at the same time. (Score extra points if you can do this without drooling!)

14. You get excited for bedtime because that's when you can stop sneaking around and eat cookies without worrying about who will see you. (Chew them...slowly. Enjoy every, single, last bite! Please note that this is bad for any diet plan you were on. Bringing the entire package of cookies to the couch is NOT a good idea, no matter what your husband tells you.)

15. You carry snacks in your purse, just in case one of the kids "flips out" during a random shopping trip and you need a bribe to fall back on. Many a tantrum has been prevented due to the cheesy, salty, crunchiness of a Goldfish cracker (Anyone else just lick their lips?) (Be warned...chocolate will melt in your purse when it's hot enough. Which will not only create a hot mess, but an embarrassing situation at the same time. See previous post: One of THOSE days.)

16. Date nights with your husband have come to be something completely different. Rather than going out on a whole day adventure date, you have to make it around 4 hours, because the sitter will cost more than the actual date. Then, instead of romance or cuddling, you spend half the night talking about the kids and running errands that you refuse to do with kids along. (This would be a good time to hit up a dressing room!)

17. You never dress up or wear anything nice. But when the opportunity to wear something nice comes about and you can go without kids, you jump at the chance. (I think kids are programed to have runny noses when I wear dresses and I am pretty sure Morgan has a secret hideout where she keeps an endless supply of chocolate cake and ranch dressing, because that's what gets smeared on my clothing when I try to dress nicely.)

18. The people at the grocery store know you. Not because it's YOU but because of your kids and how LOUD and "unique" they are. (This is when we get asked our question the most "Are they twins?  But we also get asked, "will they be OK?". They probably will be, but it will take me years of revenge to recover from this embarrassment.)

19. You have a "bag" packed for situations when you will be in public. And you routinely forget that bag at home and those will be the moments you need it. (I think Declan saves his poop for our trips to the store. Whenever I have errands to run, he fills his diaper to the brim. Every. Single. Time.)

20. You have seen Toy Story, Cars, or any other Disney movie more times than you would ever care to in your lifetime. (We have The Polar Express memorized. I could put on a full performance just in case our DVD player didn't work. And don't get me started on The Lady and the Tramp. That movie is ruined forever for me.)

21. You know that no matter how much your kids LOVE to play with stickers, this always ends badly. They do not come off easily and you will find them ALL OVER your house, the walls, the babies and in the babies diapers after they swallowed them. That's always a special surprise! (I should also mention that if your children have access to stickers, check your butt before leaving the house. That's where all the stickers gather for secret meetings and you will walk around the grocery store with "Chuggington" stuck on your ass.)


  1. Im just convinces that you and I live parallel lives on opposite locations of the country, when reading your Blog daily, which by the way I truley look forward to, it is like I am reading about my dialy life, granted I dont have twins, but they are certianly alot closer in age than I would have ever planned.... and Hailey is a wee bit older than Evan but HOLY MOLY we live such similar lives it cracks me up and yet gives me a sense of comfort that others live lives just as I do, a constant CRAZINESS!!!! Thanks "D"

  2. Yes, it is crazy and I am so glad that we can find comfort in all of it because we are all "in it" together. This sentence made more sense in my head. But I'm going for it anyway. I'm really glad you like reading my posts. Nothing makes my day more than getting positive comments. Thanks for reading!


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