Friday, May 4, 2012

My kids are plotting my demise

Here are a few things they have done, just today, that lead me to believe that they are out to get me. I think they are just out to annoy me to death. So far, it's working.

1. I went hunting for "rogue" sippy cups today so I could wash the dishes that didn't get done last night (finger pointed at you Jalon...yes, you. Pointy, pointy, point!) I fill it up to the brim, dump in some soap and slam it shut. Halfway though the washing process, I find 3 sippy cups shoved in Neverland behind our couch. These used to contain milk. Now the substance would be considered a bio-hazard and closely resembles something my kids have thrown up.

2. At the breakfast table this morning, Morgan decided she didn't want Declan to look at her. So she would stare at him and every time he turned to glance at her, she shanked him in the eye with her cereal spoon. (Maybe he was chewing too loud. I feel like shanking anyone who can't seem to close their mouth during the chewing process...what, are we cattle?)

3. Declan broke down in a FULL tantrum today. If you are a Mom, you know there are levels of tantrums. And just in case you need to know or have forgotten:

   a. Level 1- Basic tantrum- Means they are throwing a small fit in rebellion to something you have told them or done to them. Easily manipulated and distracted by shiny things. This is usually where Morgan falls. She doesn't put too much effort into pitching a huge fit. And she likes shiny things.

   b. Level 2- The headbanger- Means you add the high pitched screaming to the tantrum that makes you want to bash your head against a wall until you pass out or it stops. This is usually harder to stop, they end up just crying even more when offered the usual distraction. Might actually have to hold the child on this one and hope they just tire out quickly.

   c. Level 3- The Briber- The sound level of this tantrum increases until you are almost at breaking point. Usually 5 minutes of straight screaming and you are wondering if a neighbor isn't calling Social Services. Now you have to bust out the bribe. Cookies work best with my kids. Or Caillou. (I CANNOT STAND CAILLOU...I could write an entire blog post on how much that cartoon must die.)

   d. Level 4- OH MY GOD, PLEASE MAKE IT STOP- This is the FULL tantrum. You pick them up and they go limp. Nothing will work as a bribe. The screaming is so loud and obnoxious you would just about do anything to make it stop as quickly as you can. They scream louder when you are nearby, but if you try to hide, they hunt you down to be 100% sure you are heading closer and closer to crazy town. They use their head to bash yours, hands to claw your eyes out and teeth to bite your shoulder until there is blood dripping down your arm.

I had to put him in his room, in his crib, and leave the room. I left him for 10 minutes. He calmed himself down just fine in 5 minutes. Those extra 5 were just for me. I had to stitch up my wounds and calm myself down so I didn't bite him back.

4. I finished laundry this morning. Had it all organized and neatly laid out on my couch. I leave for 2.5 seconds so I can use my bathroom (I only trusted them alone because sometimes I go crazy if I can't just pee by myself. Not sure if you have ever had one kid trying to put her hand in the toilet while you are using it and the other turning the light on and off, falling head first into the bathtub or licking the bathroom mirror that hangs on the door. CRAZY. I'm going CRAZY!) and I come back to find the laundry scattered across the living room, playroom and even some in the kitchen. At this point I'm feeling so cranky that I almost eat a cookie right in front of them, just so I can be mean.

The time right now is 12:12. Nap time. This list be longer by the end of the day and they may even achieve their final goal. This day may end up with me in a straight jacket, mumbling about all sorts of crazy.

They can take me, if they give me the good drugs.

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