Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!

I lie to my kids.

I'll admit it. I'm guilty.

Get over it.

I'm pretty sure all parents do. I'm not saying I tell HUGE lies, but small, insignificant ones. They almost don't even count. They're like Fiblets. And yes, that's a word. Look it up. Urban Dictionary said so.

I mostly tell these lies for the following reasons:

a. To make my kids shut up.
b. I will do whatever it takes to make them quiet.
c. I'm hoping they will leave me alone.
d. All of the above are the same. Kids are annoying and ask too many questions. Therefore, in order to keep my sanity in tact, I must have a quick back-up plan that may/may not involve a few small lies. The end.

Here are a few examples of what I may/MAY NOT have said to get my kids to shut it/calm down enough to leave me alone. (Why, Mommy? WHY, WHY, WHY?!?!?!)

1. "It was so cold outside last night that the Tooth Fairy's wings couldn't fly her to our house. I'm sure she will be here tonight though. I'm sure of it. With an extra dollar because she forgo....I mean, because it was cold."

Eventually, our 8 year old will catch on to our escapades. But until then, I'm taking full advantage.

2. "There are no treats left in the house! Darn. I will MAYBE go to the store tomorrow and buy more."

When in reality, there are approximately 4 gluten free cookies left that I have been saving for when all kids are tucked in bed and I can sit on the couch, watch Vampire Diaries and eat in peace.

3. "If you don't put on your seat belt, the police will come and take you to jail."

I see nothing wrong with this lie. Nothing at all. Seat belts save lives. I will do whatever I can to keep them belted in. I don't know why they feel the need to unbuckle it when I'm not looking. This works even better when there happens to be a cop nearby. I can start shouting and sound like I'm panicking. They start freaking out and put those seat belts back on in record time. Totally worth it.

4. "The Frozen DVD is broken."

I can't take it anymore.

5. "Santa has a budget. You can't ask him for what we said no to. And no dogs. Santa can't do things that are alive."

Geez kid. No you don't need a cell phone at age 7. And the dog isn't going to happen. Sorry. You hardly wipe your own ass. I'm not adding another butt to this house. My husband doesn't want another mouth to feed, I don't want another pile of poop to clean. The end.

6. "Children aren't allowed to drink coffee. It's against the law. Sorry. You have to be 16 years old to drink coffee."

Like you need more energy. And I'm not taking you to Starbucks until you can fund your own addiction.

7. "Sure, we can do that tomorrow."

I have no idea what you just asked me, now lay down and go to sleep.

8. "It's the middle of the night, go back to sleep!"

Whenever my kids decide that 5 a.m. is a good time to wake up and play fight in their rooms. Only happens on Saturday mornings.

9. "The Elf on the Shelf didn't move because you were probably naughty yesterday. Or maybe he's sick. I don't know. Leave him alone."

Thank goodness he's only here once a year.

10. "If you don't clean your room, the monsters will come in here and hide in the mess. You are giving all the monsters hiding spots. Keep your room clean and they won't hide in here anymore."

So mean. I know. I only did this once. I'm still paying for it.

I'm only sharing 10. Trust me, there's more, but you don't need to hear them all. Makes me sound like a terrible parent...

I'm just creative.

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Spring Cleaning?

I had an entire to-do list drafted up last night, ready for today.

I had HUGE plans for this house today.

The bathrooms were going to get cleaned, the kitchen was supposed to be spotless and every single piece of laundry was going to get washed and put away.

You're probably wondering where this is going.

I didn't do any of that. Well, I started the laundry....just started.

This time, Netflix isn't to blame.

My kids rooms are.

Normally, I do NOT clean their rooms. They are responsible for their own crap/mess. However, about once a month, I get super annoyed with their level of "clean" and end up doing it all myself. And I really DO IT ALL. This time I even went under the beds, into closets and pulled out old toys to get rid of.

It only took me 4 hours.

4 HOURS of my life, gone.

I'm thinking out of those 4, 2 of those hours were dedicated to Lego's.

I've never hated Lego's more than I do right now. They are so damn tiny. You know how people say that "Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies"? Lego's are my herpes.

They were everywhere, in everything and, even after 4 hours of cleaning, I'M STILL FINDING THEM! WHY AM I STILL FINDING LEGO'S!!!!! WHO INVENTED CLEAR LEGO'S? WHY DO THEY EXIST! INVISIBLE BASTARDS ARE HIDING IN MY CARPET LIKE MILITARY SNIPERS IN THE DESERT! I USED TO LOVE PLAYING LEGO'S AND NOW THEY JUST PISS ME OFF!

There's a huge part of me that just about gave in and grabbed the vacuum cleaner to finish the job.

But Lego's cost a fortune. I can't justify it. We've taken the Lego's away before due to the mess they create with them. Unfortunately, it's the one toy that the kids play so quietly for so long...it's almost worth having them out. I need a special Lego room.

Once you walk inside, it locks you inside until someone releases you. And you have to walk through a chamber that will suck up the stray Lego's that may try to escape on your person. 

OK, now that my rant is over, let me show you some interesting things I found during my 4 hour adventure into the kids rooms today. Like I said before, I don't often clean their rooms. I'm working on trusting them to do it on their own now. Evan is 8. The twins are 4. Figure this crap out already.

 
I only took pictures of the boys room.
Morgan just had a ton of naked Barbie's and dress up clothes everywhere.
Most of my time was spent creating a new area for her dress up clothes.
And picking up Barbie shoes.
 
And this picture is actually showing you how I've started to organize it all.
You should have seen it before I made it in there.
 

 
This is the other side of their room.
 
Can you tell me what Spiderman is doing here?
Doesn't look good, does it?
Filthy Spiderman.
Or filthy Mom?


 
When I first saw this, I had no idea what it was.
Until after I touched it.

 
No more cuties for my kids.
Stupid tiny oranges.
Stupid sneaky children.
 
Ew.
Just, ew.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Fun with Photoshoots

There was a photo shoot that I participated in last September. It's taken some time for me to share the pictures with y'all, but now feels like a good time.

These aren't the published pictures that I shared on my site.

These are the, "I can't believe people let me do this" photos.

You know the ones I'm talking about...not every single picture taken captures our beauty to perfection.

What you are capturing is just ME in my full, amazing glory.

Although, to be more specific, this is NOT the photographers issue. I am at fault for all my facial expressions. I get goofy at times and this is what I wanted to show you. The photographers we worked with were all FANTASTIC and professional! I hope to do this again some day soon!

I should practice a bit more in the mirror before busting out with some of these facial expressions though.

A lot of this stems from what I've seen on Facebook and trying to incorporate it into my own photos.

Prepare yourself:

 
I was pretending that whatever I was working on was difficult.
In my head, my face was "cute".
In reality, it's just scary.
 

 
I was being goofy.
That's it.
Sometimes you need to take a break from smiling and thinking about your next pose.
 
 

 
This face is my "The sun is so BRIGHT!" face.
I get all crinkly in the brow when I'm blinded.
Sexy, right?
Being a pinup model is all glamour.

 
One of the photographers took a cute picture of my husband and I on this motorcycle for fun.
I do not look confident in my ability to sit on a motorcycle.
Not at all.
We almost fell off 3 times, due to my lack of balance.
 
Also, this dress has a small hole in the armpit.
I forgot.
It shows clearly in the good pictures we have.
That's what I get for wearing antique dresses and eating too many Snickers Bars.
 
This dress was a bad dress to wear that day.
It was a SUPER windy day and this dress was as light as a feather.
I wanted to tuck it into my thigh-highs.
 
Now that's a look to remember.
 

 
This one made me giggle a little.
I was checking me dress and making sure you couldn't see the body shaper I had on underneath.
When I sit down I get belly rolls.
More sexy images for you.
 
I was making sure my belly rolls weren't showing, OK?
Back off.


 
This was one of the good ones.
Just because the idea looked great in a magazine, doesn't mean you should try it.
Some people aren't meant for the upside-down look.
 
Plus, if you were on the other side of the car, you were getting one heck of a show here.
I didn't even think of that until after.
I was showing the world my treasure box and didn't even think of it.
 
And yes, I'm sticking with the term "treasure box".
Seems appropriate and cleaner than all the other terms I just came up with.
 
I do have LOTS of good pictures though!
 
There were amazing photographers there and it was an awesome day!
 
Go over to my Facebook page if you are interested in seeing the rest!
My computer is being a pain and won't let me load more pictures.
 
Here's a link for the lazy:
 

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Fear of Failure

My daughter has been going through an interesting phase lately.

It involves a lot of screaming, crying and the statement, "I can't do it!".

I usually come back with, "It's not too difficult, just TRY!"

It's seems so easy for me. Usually, it's that she can't pull her shirt over her own head, or zip up her jacket. She just gives up, throws herself down, and cries until someone helps her. I stand there and tell her over and over again, to just try again. It will get better if you keep trying. It will get easier over time.

Ridiculous behavior for something that's so simple.

Right?

Then why do I behave in similar fashion when it comes to my writing?

I sit here, watching the cursor blink at me, waiting for me to type out the words that have been shifting around in my head for days. Seems so easy. The words are there. My computer is working just fine. My fingers know how to type out the words that have been harassing me all week.

What's holding me back?

When I ask Morgan, mid-tantrum, "Why can't you do it?"

She tells me over and over again, "I'm too scared, Mommy!"

Scared? Of getting your head stuck in your shirt? Seriously?

And once again, I have to look in the mirror and ask myself, "What am I scared of? It's just a few words..."

Yet, here I sit, staring at a blank screen. I talk myself out of it. I convince myself that the words in my head are stupid. That I will sound like a crazy person. No one is interested in reading the words of a crazy person...

I write everything down, look at it all, convince myself it's awful and hit delete until all those words disappear. I've been sitting here, everyday, doing the same thing, over and over again.

I've always suffered from a lack of confidence. In everything I do. I don't feel like I'll be good enough. That everything I do, touch or get involved with, will somehow fail due to my lack of ability or knowledge.

Even if I do fail, why is that so bad? I tell my kids over and over, that failure is just a part of living. That we all must fail at something, so we learn how to pick ourselves up and try again. We learn from our mistakes. We work harder the next time. Or maybe that failure is telling us to try a different path.

Either way, it won't break us. It shouldn't make us scared to try again. I need to try again. I need to try. I need to shut down that part of my head that convinces me that I won't succeed. I am going to just go for it.

I am going to hit that publish button today.





Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Bad Parenting...Learn from our examples.

My husband and I will always tell you how it really is around here.

We aren't the best parents in the world. We try our best, but sometimes, the chaos of this house takes over and we end up getting mixed in with all the crazy.

Here are two examples of how our parenting has taken a turn for the worse and how you can avoid falling in the same pit as us:

 
1.
Don't Give In.
They are strong.
You are weak.
You are exhausted.
They will NEVER tire.
They will manipulate you.
You are stupid.
 
My husband removed the kids from the home the other day, so I could get some cleaning done without having them underfoot and making a mess behind me.
Plus, I was cranky and some time alone was needed.
 
I was sweeping through every room, trying to get the entire first floor tidy. It took me about 2 hours.
Normally, I just do the main parts of the house and let them do their own bedrooms.
But I was on a roll, finished a little early and just took care of their rooms while they were gone.
 
What I didn't know, was that my husband was prepping the kids to come home to clean their own rooms.
When Evan arrived home, he started crying.
Why?
 
Because he "knew" that I was going to clean his room and didn't want to come home.
Apparently, "Mommy always cleans our room when we don't."
Shoot.
 
I suck at this.
 
So now, no more cleaning their rooms.
You think this would be easy...but it gets sooo messy, that I eventually can't take it anymore!
 
I need to let it go and let them learn how to do it alone.
 
 
2.
Don't Swear.
Ever.
Never.
You think this would be common sense.
But we're still human and always learning...
Here's why I suggest not swearing:
 
 
This is Jalon's fault.
I won't take the blame on this one.
I'm pretty good when it comes to no swearing.
He sucks at it.
 
I really hope that Declan doesn't say this at school.
That won't be fun to explain.
 
 
So, as you can see, we both have our own faults as parents.
We aren't shamed to admit it, even though we probably should be.
 
I did happen to find the video hilarious.
That's really why I recorded it.
Can't tell my kids that yet.
One day, they can find it hilarious too.


Friday, January 2, 2015

Holiday Hangover

I have a serious Holiday Hangover.

I don't mean the "I finished an entire bottle of tequila and can't remember the evening, but know that involved running around naked and woke up with a bed full of regret" type of hangover.

This is more like a "There are no more presents to open/buy, my belly has an extra roll around it from all the chocolate I consumed while playing countless games and watching tear-jerker romance Christmas movies on the Hallmark channel for hours on end" type of hangover.

I feel lost.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with myself right now. I end up just walking around in a fog for large amounts of time not being able to focus my attention on one specific area.

I have all my Christmas d├ęcor removed. The house is "fairly" clean. The laundry is done. I have nothing to watch on TV right now. What the heck am I supposed to be doing right now?

Blah. I just feel blah.

So, I'm going to focus on writing again. About darn time.

Hopefully I will be able to put more effort into it after the kids return to school on Monday.

I took a million pictures, but there are only a few worth showing. Most of them are for my own memories and you would find them extremely boring.

I found a few that pretty much summed up our Christmas, so I will do a little show and tell for you.

X-mas Eve.
My sister is showing you what happens after consuming too much at dinner.
I've had too many Christmas dinners lately.
That's exactly how I feel right now.

I liked this picture, just because of Declan and his little peek-a-boo toes.
He did receive new socks for Christmas.
Just in case you were worried.

Love their excitement.
See how excited he is for this gift?

She's thrilled to look exactly like Elsa!
Every little girls dream!
Except that it didn't fit her giant head...
Oops.

"Thank you Auntie Jess! I needed a giant bag of jelly beans just for me!
Seriously.
We need to chat.

Spoiled little girl.
But so happy to receive the gift she asked for.
 
These next group of pictures is from Christmas morning.
(And yes, I have the Yule Log on the TV, right above our working fireplace. But my fireplace doesn't play Christmas music softly in the background for me to enjoy.)

Do you want to know how many of these dolls are no longer dressed?
I don't know why, but our Barbies are naked now.
All of them.

So happy to have ANOTHER DAMN BARBIE.
Although, this one was purchased because it came with a Unicorn.
Santa didn't have enough magic to turn her into an actual Unicorn, which was on her list, so we had to work with what we had.

See that face?
Can I at least get a smile?
Inside that box is a Wii-U.
The one gift he's been asking us for the last 2 years!
This was a BIG GIFT.
I anticipated much more excitement...
should have filled it with rocks.
 
 
I love the holidays. I really do. But I also really love routine. After having a month of chaos and mayhem, I'm really feeling relieved that things are going to be getting back to normal. As normal as they can get around here.
 
I guess that means I actually have to get dressed...
 
There's always a downside.

 

Friday, December 5, 2014

Elf on the Naughty Shelf

This is the time of year when you are filled with cheer, joy and endless greed.

Wait...what?

Did you say GREED?

Noooo...

Never.

My kids have been getting a little "greedy" this Christmas and I thought it was about time to put a stop to it. And since I'm not "cool" to listen to anymore, the Elf decided it was time to step in.

Yesterday, Alfred (our house elf-not in the cool Harry Potter sense, but the creepy Christmas sense) noticed that Evan only looks for him to see if he left any gifts for them that day. Upon noticing there was no gift for him, just a cute sleeping elf, Evan was upset. He said it was boring when he didn't leave presents.

I see.

Then Evan returned home from school and decided that, instead of doing what his Mom told him (throw laundry down the chute...seriously. Hard stuff here.) he was going to play his video game.

After all that drama, we had to do a spelling test for Evan so he was prepared for school the next day.

That was apparently, the last straw for Evan.

"I wish I wasn't born in this house." He told me, with his hands in angry little fists.

My heart broke in a million pieces. The more rational part of me was angry. But deep down inside, still hurt that he would say that. I know that's #1 out of a million horrible things he will probably say to me in his lifetime, but I had no idea how much it could actually hurt.

Boo.

He said it, because, according to him, I gave him too much to do that day and he was tired out from school and should be allowed to come home and play on his video game after a long day.

Right.

I forget how hard your life REALLY is. If he thought having a quick spelling test and throwing laundry down the chute was too stressful, I can't wait until he sees his new chore chart.

Mean Mommy won this round. Actually, Alfred stepped in with a letter, informing the kids that being disrespectful to your parents is bad and he brought them new chore charts. ALL OF THEM. They have to complete EACH AND EVERY item, EVERY DAY, if they want the Elf to stay in our home.

We'll see if his plan works out.

Evan also told me today, that kids he knows are starting to tell him Santa doesn't exist and isn't real.

Damn.

I'm not ready for this yet. He told me he still believes and he's going to ask Santa to help the other kids believe as well.

I used to think that life would get easier as the kids got older. I was so wrong. It's still really hard, just in a different way than I thought.

I could really use that parenting book now...anyone ready to share?