Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!

I lie to my kids.

I'll admit it. I'm guilty.

Get over it.

I'm pretty sure all parents do. I'm not saying I tell HUGE lies, but small, insignificant ones. They almost don't even count. They're like Fiblets. And yes, that's a word. Look it up. Urban Dictionary said so.

I mostly tell these lies for the following reasons:

a. To make my kids shut up.
b. I will do whatever it takes to make them quiet.
c. I'm hoping they will leave me alone.
d. All of the above are the same. Kids are annoying and ask too many questions. Therefore, in order to keep my sanity in tact, I must have a quick back-up plan that may/may not involve a few small lies. The end.

Here are a few examples of what I may/MAY NOT have said to get my kids to shut it/calm down enough to leave me alone. (Why, Mommy? WHY, WHY, WHY?!?!?!)

1. "It was so cold outside last night that the Tooth Fairy's wings couldn't fly her to our house. I'm sure she will be here tonight though. I'm sure of it. With an extra dollar because she forgo....I mean, because it was cold."

Eventually, our 8 year old will catch on to our escapades. But until then, I'm taking full advantage.

2. "There are no treats left in the house! Darn. I will MAYBE go to the store tomorrow and buy more."

When in reality, there are approximately 4 gluten free cookies left that I have been saving for when all kids are tucked in bed and I can sit on the couch, watch Vampire Diaries and eat in peace.

3. "If you don't put on your seat belt, the police will come and take you to jail."

I see nothing wrong with this lie. Nothing at all. Seat belts save lives. I will do whatever I can to keep them belted in. I don't know why they feel the need to unbuckle it when I'm not looking. This works even better when there happens to be a cop nearby. I can start shouting and sound like I'm panicking. They start freaking out and put those seat belts back on in record time. Totally worth it.

4. "The Frozen DVD is broken."

I can't take it anymore.

5. "Santa has a budget. You can't ask him for what we said no to. And no dogs. Santa can't do things that are alive."

Geez kid. No you don't need a cell phone at age 7. And the dog isn't going to happen. Sorry. You hardly wipe your own ass. I'm not adding another butt to this house. My husband doesn't want another mouth to feed, I don't want another pile of poop to clean. The end.

6. "Children aren't allowed to drink coffee. It's against the law. Sorry. You have to be 16 years old to drink coffee."

Like you need more energy. And I'm not taking you to Starbucks until you can fund your own addiction.

7. "Sure, we can do that tomorrow."

I have no idea what you just asked me, now lay down and go to sleep.

8. "It's the middle of the night, go back to sleep!"

Whenever my kids decide that 5 a.m. is a good time to wake up and play fight in their rooms. Only happens on Saturday mornings.

9. "The Elf on the Shelf didn't move because you were probably naughty yesterday. Or maybe he's sick. I don't know. Leave him alone."

Thank goodness he's only here once a year.

10. "If you don't clean your room, the monsters will come in here and hide in the mess. You are giving all the monsters hiding spots. Keep your room clean and they won't hide in here anymore."

So mean. I know. I only did this once. I'm still paying for it.

I'm only sharing 10. Trust me, there's more, but you don't need to hear them all. Makes me sound like a terrible parent...

I'm just creative.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. oh my goodness, bust out laughing. You made my monday. Thanks.


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