Thursday, May 31, 2012

It's all happening so FAST!

It was my son Evan's Pre-Kindergarten graduation this morning. I seriously cannot believe it has happened already. He's officially a Kindergartner. I'm so old.

I had a completely different post created, but as usual, nothing went according to plan. Which is exactly what you should expect when you have a 2 year old that can't sit still...even after a million bribes. But I got to see Evan graduate and for that I'm grateful. Then I walked the twins home from school while Jalon stayed with Evan to watch the slide show and finish up. I was slightly disappointed that I didn't get to stay but it's probably for the best.

I couldn't stop crying during the ceremony (thank you teachers for playing "Over the Rainbow" because that really helped) so I'm thinking a slide show of all their pictures probably wouldn't have been the best idea for this already sobbing Mom.

No matter how long you have been a parent, everyone tells you to "enjoy this, because it goes so fast!" I realize that. It doesn't take much to realize that. You go through so many phases with a baby that all you can think at first is "I just wish she would sleep through the night". Then it's "I just wish they would start walking/talking already". To "I just wish they would shut up and leave me alone already." And then all you wish is that you could go back to the beginning again because you were so sleep-deprived that you can't even remember what they looked like as a baby.

It does go fast. Really, super, speedy and fast. As if someone else is holding down the fast-forward button on your life remote and you have no control over how quick or slow the time is going by.

I would give anything to hold my big boy as a baby again. Just for a few minutes. But I'm so blessed and relieved that all my kids are turning out as well as they are with having me as their Mother. Evan is so imaginative and creative. I love the things his mind comes up with and I always find it a "he's a little weird, but I still love him" kind of way.

So, I decided to have some fun and ask my son a few questions, just to see where he stands right now. That way when he's older, I can show him this and laugh. Or cry. Whatever.

1. What do you want to be when you grow up?
Evan: "I want to be a Chef."
Me: "Why a Chef?"
Evan: "Because they are fun. I love to make chicken and pizzas and cakes and cupcakes. I used to want to be a firefighter, but I changed my mind. I want to make stuff. And I want to bring it to people. I don't like waiting for food so I can make it fast.
Me: "I think that's called a waiter, not a Chef."
Evan: "oh...what's a waiter?
Me: "It's a person that brings food to your table."
Evan: "I want to be a waiter. Because it's fun and my brain is magic. My brain makes the things I love."
Evan: "I even put you, Daddy, Morgan and Declan in there. Because I love you all and want to keep you in there forever."
Me: "That's....very sweet."

2. At what age is a person an adult?
Evan: "14."
Me: "Why 14?"
Evan: "Because I said so and I have a LONG way until I'm 14."

3. What's the hardest thing about being a kid?
Evan: "Being nice. And waiting. It's hard to be nice and we have to get rid of a lot of naughty. Is it time for ice cream yet?

4. If you had to give one gift to every single child in the world, what would it be?
Evan: "An Airplane."
Me: "Why?"
Evan: "Because they can fly. We will  have to buy a LOT at the store. But I can't give one to everyone because I'm not allowed to talk to strangers."

5. Where is your favorite place in the world?
Evan: "Grandma and Grandpas."
Me: "Really? Why?"
Evan: "Because I like them and they have a lot of different toys, like the baseball game. I love baseball. And because they take me to places and I have fun. And I like playing the hippo game. They let me watch TV. Like Baseball.

6. Are you a good friend?
Evan: "Yes. Because I can change my mind over the bad days and get the good days back.

7. If you were a teacher and the kids wouldn't listen to you, what would you do?
Evan: "I would say "Come here and sit down."
Me: "That's it?"
Evan: "They have to listen to me."
Me: "What if they didn't?"
Evan: "I didn't think about that. Can I have my ice cream now?"


The size of his heart amazes me. I have never met someone that's so full of love and joy for life and others. He takes such pleasure in the smallest things and I couldn't be more proud of the boy he has become.

Sorry this is such a sappy post, but he really deserves it once and awhile.

We are celebrating his graduation with his favorite dinner- Subway. I ordered 2 platters for 9 people. I understand that's a lot of food so save the gasps for someone else. I had a coupon. I order 2 platters and get a free tray of cookies. I really like cookies. And leftover sandwiches. So there.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Terrible Terrible Terrible Two's. Twice the fun.

We are now entering the Terrible Two's with Twins. I'm fully stocked up on wine and margarita mix.

Bring it Babies.

But today hit me hard. Just when you think you'll skip on by the typical phases of childhood and move on to something a little more quiet...they SLAM into you with the force of a head on collision, followed by the painful realization that you have an entire year of this.

Here it is. Just for you.

My Wine induced poem. Good luck reading this crap. And I have capitalized the word Wine because I hold it in high regard. It deserves to be capitalized.

Just when I least expected it
Just when I thought we were through
You snuck up behind me
Hit me like a truck
You Terrible, Terrible, Terrible Two.

One minute, as sweet as angels
The next, as loud as a shrew
I can't handle all the screaming
or the endless tantrums
You Terrible, Terrible, Terrible Two.

I have double the trouble
and a 5 year-old brat to boot
I hardly stand a chance
You may just win
You Terrible, Terrible, Terrible Two.

I can't believe I have a full year of this
This house is already a zoo
I'm not quite sure where to turn
This has to be a crazy joke
You Terrible, Terrible, Terrible Two.

There's so much crying and screaming
They even throw their own poo
I might have to be committed
at the end of this
You Terrible, Terrible, Terrible Two.

They stomp, they throw and hit
I'm not quite sure what to do
But I'm done
Pretty sure I can't quit
You Terrible, Terrible, Terrible Two.

So go ahead and do your best
Do what you need to do
I'm going to sit here
and drink my bottle of wine
You Terrible, Terrible, Terrible Two.

Hey, not too shabby after a half a glass of wine. It really doesn't take much. I feel warm.

It may be time for bed.

*I wrote this last night after a glass of wine. I am NOT drinking wine first thing in the morning. It's not THAT bad...yet.*

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Things you can blame on your kids

I'm sorry if this does not apply to you. But if you have a husband, good friend or even a dog, some of these may actually work.

I realized how great having kids was today in the grocery store, but it came as a shock because I never really noticed how often I tend to do this. I love pointing fingers at my kids, much easier and they don't have a clue. Here are a few reasons having kids comes in handy:

1. Need to fart while in public? No problem! Just go for it and start pointing fingers. Everyone knows that children stink to high heaven all the time. Be warned however that if your child is old enough, he will start pointing fingers right back at you. (Darn you Evan. Luckily I have two more that are still in the dark about this trick.)

2. Tip over a display in the grocery store? Easy! Take the kid out of the cart and no one will even think of blaming you once they see how crazy your child starts acting. (I have to brief Evan on keeping a secret on this one. He's a blabbermouth.)

3. Spill your drink at a restaurant? Piece of cake! Switch seats with a child and all is good. (Make sure the drink is non-alcoholic to prevent any visits from child protection services. Not a conversation I want to be having.)

4. See someone you really don't want to talk to? Whisper in your kids ears that they aren't getting any dessert after dinner and the tears will start rolling. Watch as people avoid you and the ear piercing screams about chocolate chip cookies.

That's about all I have. There are probably a million more ideas, but I'm too lazy to think of them. My kids are really acting up today, so I have to cut this one short.

I'm really good at this!

Friday, May 25, 2012

Garage Sale Rules

Because I'm a pain in the butt, I've come up with rules for people who have garage sales and for people that shop them. I actually can't believe I had to write some of these down. Clearly there are some fascinating people out there that deserve some "special" attention. (By saying special here, I mean in the form of cops, handcuffs and a lovely prison cell.)

I have only been to a few garage sales this year. But here are a few tips to follow. Or at least keep you entertained.

1. If you are going to sell a "penis exerciser" please put it in back somewhere and not right next to the 10 crates of Playboy magazines on a table with what I thought were antique candle holders. My 5 year old son received an interesting education that day. Questions were asked that I really didn't not feel like answering in public...or ever.

2. If you are going to be shopping at a garage sale, please remember that it's still considered a "public" area. Not your backyard. Wearing a old, saggy, tank top, without a bra, is not acceptable. Unless your a dude without gigantic nipples. There were goods that I DIDN'T want to be viewing. Once again I had a 5 year old asking questions that I really wasn't wanting to answer in public...or ever.

3. If it looks like it came out of the garbage, then it probably did. I won't be spending money on it.

4. I am scared to eat food at restaurants some times. What makes you think I'm going to purchase your homemade popcorn or cupcakes? I'm looking for decor and kid crap, not food poisoning. But thanks.

5. Please only sell stuff that isn't stained or covered in holes. I know that kids make stains, but you don't need to sell it. Maybe a free bin? But I'm not giving you $1.00 for a ripped, stained pair of jeans. And I'll be pissed when I get home to realize that I actually did just that.

6. I don't ever, EVER, ever, want to buy/see any used underwear. Or bras for that matter. Gross. I don't want your dried swoob juice or other bodily fluids spreading around. If your done with it, throw it out. Certain things don't need to be passed on.

7. Make some what of an effort when displaying the goods I shall be pursuing. I won't be taking the time to dig through cardboard boxes full of what looks to be plastic body parts.

That's about all I have. It's Friday and I love garage sales. But I love it even more when I see the crazy displayed in the driveway. Makes me feel just a little bit better knowing I'm not alone.

Thursday, May 24, 2012


As Mothers, we tend to notice every thing another mom does. And we tend to jump and judge that Mom based on no actual facts.

Last November I noticed a Mom carrying her child into Target without shoes or socks on. My main thought was, "'s just about winter and you're bringing your child out without socks? How hard is it to put socks on a child?" We all know how hard it is to KEEP socks on your child and instead of judging her I wish I had been more supportive and I wish I didn't have such a crappy attitude. Maybe she was tired of fighting her kid and thought, "heck...I'm just going to pop in for a second, who will even care?"

There are so many things we judge other Mom's on. Here are a few examples:

1. What is in your shopping cart? Lunchables anyone? Or are you an organic Mom?

2. What your child is wearing. (How many times have I been outside with my kids in jammies?)

3. How they are in public. I always feel bad when I see a Mom struggling in a store with a child or two screaming over something stupid. It's exhausting and it's even worse when you receive countless "looks" from those that think it's something you did or didn't do.

Did you breastfeed or formula feed?

Did you use pacifiers or not?

Did you feed pureed foods too early or too late?

Is your child fully potty trained before mine?

Is your child more educated than mine?

Does your child wear Baby Gap while I shop at Once Upon a Child?

Does your child watch 1 hour of TV while my children watch it all the time?

Does it all really matter in the end?

Rather than care about what everyone else thinks, we should really take care to be more supportive of each other. Every one of us is experiencing some sort of difficulty with kids. Whether you are a new Mom or not. It's not as if our children came with an instruction manual. Each one of my kids is so completely different. So even if Evan did come with a manual, it wouldn't have worked with Morgan or Declan. In fact, I find myself at a complete loss with the twins, because they are so different and I feel as if I've started all over again.

The magazine cover that has America talking

And this picture from Time Magazine . Seriously, I wish this wasn't so controversial. Let it go. To each their own. You can think it's wrong or you can think it's right. But don't go judging another parent for what they decide to do with their own children. There's enough wrong in our world without being against each other. I'm not even going to give my opinion on this picture because it really doesn't matter what I think.

It's hard to be a Mom. And this is nothing against Dads. But it's rare that I hear about other Dads gossiping about what their child does. They are more than likely just to roll with it and not think twice about a stray comment.

As Moms, we are a bit more defensive when it comes to our children and are quick to be up in arms when we feel like we are being judged on our parenting skills. We tend to lash out or try to defend our decision in some way.

I'm not a perfect Mom. In fact, some days I feel like I'm in the running for Worst Parent of the Year. And because I know that I'm not a perfect parent, I'm going to work my butt off to not judge other Moms for just doing the best that they can.

Because when it comes right down to it, I think that's all we can do. Is try our hardest to raise our kids the best we can.

I am critical enough of my own parenting without needing extra help feeling guilty about the way I'm raising my children. I think we all carry a gigantic suitcase of "Mom Guilt" and I'm not sure if it ever goes away. We always feel like we can do better or try harder when it comes to our children.

I think some of my favorite Moms are the ones that we can share everything with. The ones we can admit our failures or successes to. The ones that won't judge because of a decision but understand that we are all doing what we can. Maybe that as long as we love our children and are raising them to the best of our abilities, what more could a child need?

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Women and the Crap We Carry

So I have a slight rant/vent here. It's to myself as well, so don't go getting in a huff, but read and understand some frustrations here. I work as a cashier sometimes and when women come to the counter, I cringe a little because I know what's about to happen.

And, once again, before the huffing and hawing starts, this does not apply to every woman.

I had to learn my lesson the hard way with chocolate eggs. Now I have a purse with pockets.

1. Your going to toss your gigantic bag on the counter. I do mean almost life-sized. I have 3 kids, so I understand the need to carry a bunch of crap with you at all times. But seriously, if I can fit all 3 kids in my bag then it's time to knock me out with it.

2. You will dig through that gigantic bag looking for your check card. And if it's a checkbook, Please Leave Now. Welcome to 2012 and the era of the scanny card thing. Please upgrade. Please.

Another slight rant about checks. I can't believe how long it takes to fill these crappy pieces of paper out. Then you have to dig out your ID and let's admit, is no easy task. Finally, you spend the next 5 minutes filling out the front part of your checkbook so you don't forget how much you spent. Really? I could have made a loaf of bread, filed my nails, crafted something useless and helped the enormous mob that's starting to form behind you.

3. You will remove an entire WAD of old receipts, food items, and wallets (yes, as in more than 1). How many wallets do you have? I have 1. And not nearly enough cards to fill that one full. I don't know how they do it, but when they look for a specific card, it's crazy how many they have (I've even seen Borders Cards still, they have been closed for almost a year...time to let it go. Maybe even time to seek therapy). I think some women collect these cards just for pure entertainment maybe for a display someday. Or a Pinterest craft of some sort. But the line that's forming behind you starts to grab their pitchforks, I think it's time to downsize. Just a smidgen.

As a side note. If you leave old receipts laying around, I will look at them and giggle at all your purchases. And by the way, you shouldn't have spent that much on tampons. There are coupons you know.

4. When it's time to finally sign the receipt, the 10 pounds of old crap you dug out of your leather parcel, is hiding the pen and you will stomp and sigh until I give you mine. (Mine. As in "safe from all customer bacteria so please do not touch. Ever"). You will say it's because I "didn't give you one" and then I make a point of digging under all your shit to show you that YES I DID. (Please, go ahead and roll your eyes at me when I make this point. I'm cool with it. Not my fault you are a complete and utter slob.) I've even been told that "that's such a bad place for a pen". Really? I bet if it was up your...never mind.

5. Finally, it's time to pack up. I've bagged your purchases and placed them all nicely on the counter 20 minutes ago, and your still packing as if your moving out. Now is NOT the time to organize that hoard but next time, try a purse with pockets maybe. I don't know how you fit all the crap inside. I'm assuming there's a spell you say while packing or maybe it all just fits because you have the Mary Poppins gene. Lucky you.

And this does happen. Every. Single. Time.

Maybe you are the ONE special person that doesn't do this. I'm thrilled for you. Now go teach every other woman in your life to do how you do what you do. (This sentence is getting on my nerves but I'm totally leaving it here so it can bug someone else.)

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Tiny Tidbits for Today

Reading from
Read an article called "10 Things He's Thinking when You're Naked". from Kimberly Bonnell and Pamela Redmond Satran.
If it's my husband, I'm pretty sure that's down to just 1.
And I'm not going to type it out on here, because I'm pretty sure you can figure it out.
If there's naked around, there's not a whole lot of thinking to be found.
The #10 on the list was "Suck in my gut".
Really? That's what guys are thinking? I totally believe you!
And #9 was "focus on her eyes".
Dude. If she's naked, I really doubt she wants you to focus on her eyes.
That would make me so self-conscious. I get naked but all you can do is stare at my eyes?
I'm not going to go through the whole's pretty strange. But funny.
Our trashcan hit my car yesterday morning.
I do mean what I said.
I never hit anything...except for a cart corral once.
The trashcan slid a little as I was headed up the driveway.
It then scraped along the side of my vehicle.
I think I can hear your eyes rolling Jalon.
Everything is OK. I looked.
Those white scratch marks will rub off, right?

Here's where it is going to get gross.
I was making a special treat for Evan and myself the other day.
It was ice cream cones. Our favorite.
He comes up to me and said, "This is the best mommy and just in time!"
I said, "Just in time for what?"
He said, "I had some HOT poop and this will cool it off!"
 Me: "Unless we're putting in somewhere other than your mouth, not sure that's the way it works."
In fact, I'm pretty sure adding dairy may not be our best idea. But what the hell.
What have you got to lose? Besides more poop.

My dear sweet husband clips my coupons for me while I run through deals.
I tell him every week to cut the ones I'll use.
Usually it's based on what you have seen me buy or something we would like to try.
While sorting through my coupons I noticed a unique one.
Not sure if he's hinting at something or just trying to be funny.
But I found a $5 off coupon for Bob Harper's Smart Weight Loss Pills.
I can't. Stop. Laughing.
Dinner for the week will be Tofu/Vegan with a dash of hate.
Then we will see how much fun we're having.
(I don't mean to offend those that choose this menu-but my husband will kill me if I changed his diet.)
(As another side-note, he clipped, not 1 coupon, but all 6. Just in case I want that many bottles.)

Monday, May 21, 2012

Dating your Husband-is this a joke?

I found an article that made me laugh and I had to question slightly. I know I should take this seriously and make an attempt to make my husband happy, but I'm pretty sure he would have some giggles at this as well. I think that we are pretty normal people, but some of these seem crazy to me.

I put in the link since I didn't copy the entire article. It's not a bad read, just a little unrealistic for us. I made some comments in pink.

Ten Date Night Ideas:

1. Around the World in 7 days: Cook a different type of cuisine from a different part of the world for 7 days. Mexican, Italian, Indian, Jamaican, the list goes on. Add in some music and decorations, and you and your hubby can take a mini vacation right in the comfort of your own home. This sounds like it would cause some serious gastric issues. No one wants to add gas/diarrhea to date night. My husband and I both have slightly sensitive bowels, I don't think adding unique food choices will help us out. Unless sitting on the two toilets we have, while chatting between the air vent, is your idea of romance...

2. Read love poems to each other If I even suggest this idea, I'm pretty sure we will both gag a little. Maybe we just aren't your typical romantic couple.

3. Workout together (and don’t forget to shower together too!) Yeah. OK. We take family bike rides together. With 1 chatty 5 year old and two very crabby 2 year old kids. I don't find sweating together (in this fashion) at all romantic.

4. Go on a picnic in your bedroom: put the kids down early if you have to, spread a blanket, pack some sandwiches and enjoy! How big is your bedroom? Also, Jalon freaks out when I bring Cheetos to bed (and yes, I have done this) so I don't think he would find this romantic at all. In fact, I'm pretty sure our conversation would revolve around an ant infestation due to all the crumbs I create while eating.

5. Gaze at the stars. Pass. I think we would both end up snoring outside and get nothing accomplished by this.

6. Go Dancing--find a Latin restaurant that offers free Salsa lessons or turn on your favorite music and slow dance in your living room. My dancing skills are limited. BUT if you have seen my husband dance to Vanilla Ice you would know that there's NO WAY that this can ever happen. NO WAY. I like my limbs attached to my body.

7. Take a bath together (be sure to light some candles, play some music and have some great aromatherapy lotions and potions) Our bathtub can hardly fit one of us. We are slightly larger people, but our bathtub is VERY small...I may be bad at math, but I can tell you that this is NOT a good idea. Or it would be incredibly uncomfortable and in order for romance to occur, I need to be comfortable.

8. Park the Car—you know the rest! Did you not just see what I posted above about comfort? My car is crammed with car seats, a dollhouse, a stroller, food crumbs and old receipts. His truck has car seats and a rough, bumpy bed. Not happening. Seriously, who are these people?

9. Recreate your first date HAHAH only Jalon and I can laugh at this one. I'm NOT getting into details. Hilarious though. Sorry. Maybe if your a "normal" couple, this would be cute.

10. Go to Prom: get dressed up, go to a nice restaurant, and then finish the night off in the back seat of the car! Oh my god. He would kill me for this. And the car thing again? But this time in a dress? Yeah...not happening.

OK, so that's about it. Sorry I'm such a downer when it comes to these things, but it just doesn't seem practical for us. We do have our own way of dating and making things work. There are a million ideas out there for couples to find time and "date" but honestly, make it what you like.

Here are our ideas for a date night, this is just coming from what we have done before:

1. Get Dairy Queen. Seriously...that's it.

2. Head to a movie. Woo-hoo! 2 whole hours of peace and quiet with pretzel bites? Count me in!

3. Red Lobster. Can you say cheese biscuits?

4. Head to Sams Club. Shopping for gigantic food items without kids? Best date idea ever! Spend lots of time in the forbidden candy aisle.

5. Play cards. I love kicking some butt at 3-13, but he can always win at Cribbage. Competition puts us both on edge which can only add to the romance.

6. Watch Veronica Mars. We both love this show, so it works out. If you add candy, it makes it even better.

7. Stop by Redbox and pick up a random flick. When you put the movie in the DVD player, that makes it a date.

8. Anytime you do anything that does not involve bringing the kids along, that is a date night or day. I think the last time we were alone together, it involved an appointment of some kind. But it counts.

9. Go to garage sales together. I love this idea. It's so much fun to buy other peoples crap for cheap!

10. Make a special dinner that your kids won't eat, add some brownies with ice cream and chocolate sauce, and finish it off with your favorite show. Best date ever.

Notice that almost all my dates involve food.

That's just how I roll.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Let's play a new game!

It's called: What's that SMELL!

The object: Hunt around the house, sniffing like a dog, trying to find what the hell is making the house smell like a combination of hot diarrhea, old pee and sweat.

Why this is a challenge: When it's a child that creates the smell, it gets difficult to nail down exactly where the smell is coming from. They get into everything and I'm not 100% sure if it's my house or just the children creating that stench.

Before there were kids in our home, there were dogs. So we are quite used to playing this disgusting game. Although, finding a pit bull dog poop wasn't exactly a challenge. But my little shih tzu liked to hide her poop and we wouldn't find them until they were solidified to the point of being firewood.

On this hunt I discovered the source of the smell:

1. The twins bedroom. Declan ripped his diaper off during nap time the other day. I didn't notice it at the time, but there's something not quite right about his sheets. And by "not quite right" I mean, yellow stains and hot pee smell. After removing them, their bedroom smells better, but there's still something gross. So a hunting I shall go...

2. The living room. Found an old diaper on the floor. Gross. My house is gross. Getting a little better, but still not quite right...

3. The kitchen. The trashcan where all the diapers go to die. My garbage can smells like a bio-hazard. What are we throwing away? Dead bodies? (Not that I know what dead bodies smell like, but it can't be pleasant.)This is by far the worst place in the house. Almost...

4. The bathroom. Thank you Evan, for leaving your "present" in the toilet for me. I heaved a little. I'm amazed at what a little 5 year old body can produce. Might have to lay off feeding this kid for awhile. Bleh. Seriously, why does my house STILL not smell right?

5. Again the kitchen. Forgot to sweep the floor. I could make 3 meals out of what I swept up. I would take a picture, but then I would be on a TV show somewhere for having the most disgusting house. Moving on...again.

6. My bedroom? bathroom. Once again, we are having issues flushing here. (This game is fun, isn't it? It just keeps getting better and better.)

7. The children. I need to start potty training these two. But every time I bring them to the bathroom they just stick their hands in the toilet and then we walk around calling them "potty hands" so everyone knows not to touch them. (Morgan loves this part...she doesn't quite get that we are laughing at her and not with her. And when I scream and run away from her, she finds this to be the best entertainment. I'm going to start washing her in Lysol and Bleach.)

Wow. My house smells a little better, but if you walk outside and walk back in, it's not great. A little stale, like an old dead animal maybe. (Once again...not sure if that smell is correct. Just go with it.)

I can only Febreeze so much here, so I'll have to do some serious cleaning. I just wish it would actually STAY clean, but I know the second Evan comes home to a clean bathroom, he'll pee all over it. (I do mean ALL OVER IT. Not just the seat, but ALL of it. He has skills.) It must be a boy thing. Marking your territory by peeing all over the toilet.

Want to come to my house for a visit?

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Crazy Dropoff for school

Have you ever encountered something that seems so basic and simple, yet there are people that just CAN'T seem to get it right? (Just like the girl in my basic training flight. Girl could NOT march when her arms would swing opposite of what she walked. This comes naturally to most people. We suffered through 90 degree temperatures doing this over and over again until she could get it right. She almost got my boot up her ass, but my legs were too sore from all the marching I had to do. I almost wish I had soap on a rope...yes, I would have done it. Trust me- you just reach a certain point when your hot and tired.)

The drop off for our school is simple. There's even a sidewalk area that's specifically designed to help you with this process. And it's painted a cheerful yellow that has been decorated with orange cones, for those that need MORE assistance.

Here's how it should go:

1. Pull up along sidewalk. This is a lot of space, about 6-7 cars can fit at one time (as long as the dumb ass with the moving van doesn't show up again).

2. Remove kid from car.

3. Pull away immediately.


See how easy that was?

Here's how it usually plays out:

1. Pull up along sidewalk. Immediately start noticing the cars in front of me aren't letting kids out yet. What? This is not close enough for your "wonderful" child? Your child is not famous and DOES not need to be let out right at the door. I promise. It's a beautiful sunny day and I can see your child bouncing around in his seat, waiting to be let out. What's going on here? Where's my baseball bat? Oh yeah...Jalon won't allow me to have weapons in the car. (And why not? I know my Dad would allow weapons...he taught me well.)

2. The actual removal process. This part seems to be the most complicated for people to follow. Removing the kid from the car does entail some skill. But it is May, so I'm pretty sure they have the routine down by now. But you would not believe the amount of time this process tends to take. And it's usually not the kids that I notice have the issues.

Picture me standing there with a megaphone: "PARENTS: Time to let go. Release the child! There are teachers standing all around here, all is well. There shouldn't be tears at this point. Please stop your crying, it's embarrassing."

When the parents finally release their child from the car, which has taken up to 3 minutes (yes, I did time them) they will give hugs, kisses, a little chit-chat and wave like it's a celebration that they actually made it. (Seriously, I'm about to bring balloons and confetti next time. Someone could probably serve refreshments. Can you taste my sarcasm here? It's delicious.)

3. As they are "celebrating" the parents sit in their car while the child walks to the door. My son is LONG gone, in his classroom, and ready to start his day. Yet I'm still stuck in my line, in the drop-off point, watching parents eye stalk their children until they are out of sight. Why this happens? No clue. Color me confused because these people have gone crazy. (FINALLY! It's not me that's the crazy one!)

Once my son leaves the car, I feel the need to leave. I don't want to watch him walk into the school. What is there to be worried about? There are teachers all over the place, all he has to do is walk through the doors. It's not a version of Hunger Games, where you have to be the first inside or someone will clobber you with their backpack. (My poor kid would TOTALLY lose game! His backpack has a folder. That's it. And he's a huge softy. He could have a sign taped to his back "Bully me-I'm easy".)

Maybe I'm missing something. But either way, this is getting ridiculous! Drop off is just that..drop off. Not, pull up, snuggle, kiss, giggle, give hugs, more high fives then release.

Maybe it's a good thing I'm not allowed weapons in my car.

I won't even get started on Pick-up.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Sorry this post sucks!

Just so you know...I'm sorry for this.

When spiders attack for no reason,
I will scream and accuse of treason.

We have an agreement, those spiders and I
If they remain outside, I will let them bide.

I had one drop in my face and scare me,
And cause me to scream like a crazy banshee.

I was embarrassed and felt terrible for the shout
The Starbucks lady is now deaf and will not help out.

I just wanted some ice cold coffee to go
The spider ruined my chance with his show.

So I smashed his ass as quick as I could with a shoe
What else could a scardy-cat, trapped in a car, do?

But I finally got my coffee today and a caffeine buzz to boot
So the spider didn't ruin my day, but his day has gone kaput.

My dishes were dirty as could be
I thought my day was spent
I wanted to cry and throw them away
But in the dishwasher they went.

I crammed that puppy full as I could
It took some skill and a little talent
I'm the best washer in the hood
Just me, the dishes and a large mallet.

I don't like to wash by hand
I try my hardest to make it all fit
So I stuff my washer as full as I can
All is good, as long as I don't break it.

Sippy cups, plates and silver wear all around
It was a challenge to fit all that crap inside
I think I hear a weird cracking sound
Oops! Some broken dishes might need to hide.

I have writers block
And it feels like a large headache
I may have to go for a walk
So my brain will feel more awake

I'm stuck writing all these stupid rhymes
When I want to write something smart
This happens to me all the time
My brain has one large, constant fart.

I can't believe your still reading this crap
I should probably stop this here
Maybe I should quit and take a nap
Don't worry, it's done, have no fear.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Crazy day in list form's weird. But it's me. Which means it's a little crazy and all over the place.

 I was having a snack the other day with the kids...I love those cheesy Goldfish crackers.
An hour later was wondering why my boob was a little itchy.
Found a Goldfish attached to it, hiding in my bra.
 It tasted just fine.

 Ever have an argument in your head?
 I read something the other day and my thought was "What would I say if Jay ever did that to me?" Then the argument in my head started.
I totally won by the way.
 But then, I was also angry at him for awhile.
No wonder he kept looking at me like I was completely nuts.

We had our first ant infestation today.
It wasn't as bad as I was predicting, because it happens every year.
I know...don't let the kids eat in the living room. Blah blah blah...
Shut up.
I dug out a flashlight, my spray (all I could find was lysol) and vacuum.
My flashlight sucks. Every time I went hunting, it flickered and died.
I kept smacking it, thinking that would help.
Probably would, if I wouldn't smack it on my face next time.
But, I sucked all the ants up and we are "clean" again.
(I mean "clean" because I don't really feel clean after finding itty-bitty ants in my house. I feel like I have the creepy crawlies as if they are walking up and down my back.)

I took the twins on a bike ride.
It's a beautiful spring day full of lilacs, sunshine and tiny cotton thingies that float around.
I am a mouth breather on my bike rides.
I inhaled an enormous amount of cotton thingies, enough to make a bag of cotton balls.
Need a q-tip?
Give me a week and I'll probably produce a full box.
(Was that taking it too far? Did I gross you out? Good...)

Now listen up.
I went shopping yesterday for a purse. I'm a weirdo and needed something specific.
I walked into the BEST store ever. No seriously...the BEST.
It's called Charming Charlies. It's in Woodbury Lakes.
I'm in love.
When I first walked in, I almost ran back out. It's a bit of a sensory overload.
BUT, I sucked it up, because I was on a mission for THE purse.
And boy, did they deliver!
Everything was color was an OCD dream!
I spent a half-hour walking around in a girly-daze of amazement.
I'm not a girly-girl, but WOW, it was awesome!
It smelled like heaven, sparkled like a million stars on a clear night and had purses all over!
PLUS, jewelery of all kinds, headbands that will make you swoon (and swoon you will!) even clothing that made me believe that I could be a girly-girl.
I've never worn tops like that before, but maybe now I can!
I shopped my little heart out and only spent $50!
I bought a purse, a headband with a beautiful flower on it and an awesome star bracelet.
Did I mention that I'm in love?
Charming Charlies
you have my heart.
(Jalon, the credit card and I need some time alone next weekend...)

Sunday, May 13, 2012

A day to celebrate giving birth to heathens.

I shouldn't be allowed to celebrate this holiday. My kids are demented and scary. BUT, since I did have to get cut open, feed them, raise them "properly" and completely ruin whatever was left of my body, I guess I will be celebrating this wonderful day.

I will be starting with a list of demands:

1. There WILL be donuts. Thanks to my husband for providing these delightful, frosted treats. I really love donuts and it's just not a special day without them.

2. I will run away. Probably not forever. But maybe 2 hours or so. Just so I can have a break from the arguing, or hearing a crash and waiting for someone to cry so we can determine how bad it was. I need a chance to become "normal" again. (To be honest, that will probably never happen. There's only so much time and 2 hours will NOT cut it. But, it will cut down on the crazy and allow me to relax for a little.)

3. I will, at one point, demand gifts. No one has purchased any. That's OK. I'm buying my own. ( I don't trust others to buy my very specific purse...I'll buy my own gifts.) But I will still demand something. And I expect a homemade piece of clay that resembles a pile of poo.

4. Also, since it's a Mom day, it should revolve around me. (Not that any other day should be different...) I get to do whatever I want to do. Sadly, this will be laundry. (Does that make anyone else want to cry?)

5. I will also keep reminding EVERYONE that it is my special day anytime I don't want to do something that they want to do. (Wash the dishes- it's Mothers day. SO not going to happen!)

Happy Mother's Day! Hope your day goes just as well as mine will. It will because it doesn't have a choice.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Trashy Romance Novels

This is for you- you wonderfully, romantic, filthy books! Not sure where I would be without you...


Once again, a poem. No judgment please on how crappy my poems are. I don't plan on writing a book filled with my crappy poems. But I have a blast writing them!

When I was a little girl
I flipped through your dirty pages
digging for the pearl
that was misunderstood for ages.

As I grew much older
I started to create in my head
The perfect hero or soldier
That I would one day wed.

Your stories made me believe
that there was such a man
such a wonderful, romantic story you would weave
I was your biggest fan!

I've grown up since then
But I will always be yours
The Dukes, Earls and make-believe men,
I will always want to read more.

Oh, Trashy Romance Novel,
with your girl-smut galore,
I want to kneel down and grovel
for making me your whore.

A Historical or Modern romance,
really doesn't matter which I choose,
as long as there's even half a chance
of some hot writing for me to peruse.

I simply adore the steamy covers that you display,
naked men and half-dressed women all around
posing as lovers ready to play
Give promise of raunchiness abound.

Sometimes if I read when I'm at work,
the juicy parts can make me blush.
But, then again, this is a huge perk,
So I really try not to rush.

I like to share good books,
with all my wonderful, romance-loving friends,
We tend to get lots of interesting looks,
when others see the covers of what we lend.

But DO NOT judge me for this,
I have wonderful book taste,
These novels are mouthwatering bliss,
If someone didn't buy them, what a waste!

This poem is dedicated to my friends who are also lovers of some filthy, trashy, romance novels. Without you all, I wouldn't be reading half the crap I do. So thank you for introducing me to some of the best "filth" out there.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Hoarders Annoynomous

My name is Danielle.
I am a Hoarder.
More specifically, I'm a food hoarder.

About a year ago, I decided to try couponing. Not "normal" couponing, but more of the "extreme" variety (wouldn't it be funny if by extreme I meant a timed grocery shopping expedition in which you had a Hunger Games style fight to see who could get the deals first and save the most at the end? Actually, it's almost like that, just grab a shopping cart for your weapon and battle on! This would be more entertaining if I was actually joking. Ask my style of grocery shopping is brutal.) It was very difficult and time consuming at first. Then I started to get the hang of it. I became better and better, which brought in more food in large quantities. (Woo-hoo on saving money!)

Then I needed more storage.

My husband created a pantry for me out of the playroom closet. That became very full, very fast. (Yes, I am showing you all my food. I like marshmallows...leave me alone.)

He built me a 5 tiered shelf in the basement. Which is now very full as well. (Woo-hoo on making my husband roll his eyes at me when I filled the entire shelf with 1 shopping trip.)
(And yes, I know I have wood paneling in my basement, but it's not as if I put it there! But it is hiding the homes of several species of centipedes so it can stay...for now.)

I have more food and supplies than most people need in a year. Why?

Because I'm obsessed. I have a problem. I LOVE saving money and if I have to buy lots of something in order to do that...well, get me more room! I can't stop buying food...lots of food. (Sometimes I want to giggle and roll in all the cereal I have, but I can't stand the thought of crushing my Cocoa Puffs.)

But, guess who's house you'll want to come to when the Zombies attack or your grocery store blows up? (I don't know why the grocery store blows up, but I'm having a hard time coming up with some good reasons here...just go with it.)

That's right. Mine. (We can live off my pasta, cereal and loaves of bread. I'm a lover of all things starchy.)

Ok, so I have more deodorant than I may need for a few years, but at least you know we won't smell bad here. (I even donated a TON for the Stamp Out Hunger, so take it easy. I have about 10 bags full of food that poor mailman, in his tiny mail truck, will have to load up.)

I believe I inherited this "disease" through my parents. My parents are appliance hoarders (Mom, Dad...I love you. Please don't kill me for this). Every new appliance that comes out is a "must have". They buy it, break it and store it. Many appliances have met an untimely death at the hands of my Dad. (I was really looking forward to those mini donuts!)

You just never know...right? I have to take a month off of my shopping so my husband doesn't start getting all shouty at me for buying too much and not having any more room.

But I NEED more bottles of chocolate syrup for my coffee...

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

You know your a Mom when....

I'm bored. I'm just randomly spouting things off...please feel free to add to the list as you come up with your own ideas! =)

You know your a Mom when:

1. You count every single food item you give to the kids so it's all even. Including the M&M's on top of a cookie. (God forbid 1 cookie has 2 M&M's on top rather than the 3 it is supposed to have. Looking at you Keebler Elves! This is your only job- get it right!)

2. You keep the plastic ice cream buckets, not for a craft, but because they make great puke buckets. (I keep quite a few of these...I will be running away from home if I ever need to employ more than 2 at one time.)

3. You plan your evening around the Sprout channel and your kids favorite shows. (I hate, hate, hate Caillou, but it's the one show they will all sit and watch in complete silence. Therefore, our evening has been planned around that 15 minute episode of pure hell and torture.)

4. You are scared of play dates. Not because of the other parent or their child, but you know the physical harm and damage your child can do to their child/house. (I wish I had calm, sweet children that didn't destroy everything in their path. Including other children.)

5. You haven't actually eaten a full meal since you started sharing a table with heathens. With all the yelling, cleaning up spilled drinks, replacing spilled drinks, yelling, refilling food plates, picking up food plates that have been thrown (and did I mention yelling?), there's been no time for you to actually consume food. (Great diet plan though!)

6. You can't remember life BC. (This stands for Before Children. It all seems like a dream...) And now you wonder what the hell you did with all that free time. But, if given that free time again, you would probably use it to shower, read a book or clean your house.

7. You start making dinners based on what your kids will eat versus what you actually want to eat. (It's a disaster here when I feed them food they won't like. It ends up on my wall, the floor, their hair, inside my shoes only to be discovered when I wear them to work...)

8. You notice all bowel movements so you can decide who needs prunes and who doesn't. (Except for my husband. There's no need for that kind of "closeness". He can get his own prunes.)

9. Every conversation you seem to have either revolves around your kids or works its way to your kids and what they did that was cute/annoying/sweet/funny/gross that day. (My poor, poor, coworkers. They get the brunt of my conversations...)

10. You haven't been able to shower as frequently as you wish, shave your legs as often as you need to, do anything to your hair that doesn't resemble a ponytail or bun, clip any of your nails (just run across concrete barefoot, they'll trim themselves!), clean anything as well as you would like or catch up on laundry since giving birth. (This is when I thank my husband for sticking with me even though I am very disgusting! are partially to blame. It's not like I just grew these kids in the backyard for fun.)

11. Your house decor is lacking in the "decor" portion. Whatever the kids could rip, eat, break apart or otherwise ruin, is no longer in residence (Apparently, that's everything in my house. I get to keep the couch and my end tables. But even my end tables have teeth marks...) But, taking place of your old decor, is now toys, blankets, pacifiers, old sippy cups, stray cheerios, ripped apart blinds, carpet stains and lots of dust. (And god forbid you leave 1 piece of paper laying around, because that will multiply into 10,000 pieces and scatter itself around the entire house.)

12. Your vehicle no longer has the fresh "new" car smell. It has a dirty diaper, sweat, old milk, vomit smell that is very difficult to get rid of. My vehicle is no longer clean or tidy, it is now filled with dirt, toys and rocks. (OK, so maybe my car was never THAT tidy...BUT it did NOT smell like vomit.)

13. You can brush your teeth, pick out school clothes, get breakfast ready, wipe the spilled milk and dress yourself, all at the same time. (Score extra points if you can do this without drooling!)

14. You get excited for bedtime because that's when you can stop sneaking around and eat cookies without worrying about who will see you. (Chew them...slowly. Enjoy every, single, last bite! Please note that this is bad for any diet plan you were on. Bringing the entire package of cookies to the couch is NOT a good idea, no matter what your husband tells you.)

15. You carry snacks in your purse, just in case one of the kids "flips out" during a random shopping trip and you need a bribe to fall back on. Many a tantrum has been prevented due to the cheesy, salty, crunchiness of a Goldfish cracker (Anyone else just lick their lips?) (Be warned...chocolate will melt in your purse when it's hot enough. Which will not only create a hot mess, but an embarrassing situation at the same time. See previous post: One of THOSE days.)

16. Date nights with your husband have come to be something completely different. Rather than going out on a whole day adventure date, you have to make it around 4 hours, because the sitter will cost more than the actual date. Then, instead of romance or cuddling, you spend half the night talking about the kids and running errands that you refuse to do with kids along. (This would be a good time to hit up a dressing room!)

17. You never dress up or wear anything nice. But when the opportunity to wear something nice comes about and you can go without kids, you jump at the chance. (I think kids are programed to have runny noses when I wear dresses and I am pretty sure Morgan has a secret hideout where she keeps an endless supply of chocolate cake and ranch dressing, because that's what gets smeared on my clothing when I try to dress nicely.)

18. The people at the grocery store know you. Not because it's YOU but because of your kids and how LOUD and "unique" they are. (This is when we get asked our question the most "Are they twins?  But we also get asked, "will they be OK?". They probably will be, but it will take me years of revenge to recover from this embarrassment.)

19. You have a "bag" packed for situations when you will be in public. And you routinely forget that bag at home and those will be the moments you need it. (I think Declan saves his poop for our trips to the store. Whenever I have errands to run, he fills his diaper to the brim. Every. Single. Time.)

20. You have seen Toy Story, Cars, or any other Disney movie more times than you would ever care to in your lifetime. (We have The Polar Express memorized. I could put on a full performance just in case our DVD player didn't work. And don't get me started on The Lady and the Tramp. That movie is ruined forever for me.)

21. You know that no matter how much your kids LOVE to play with stickers, this always ends badly. They do not come off easily and you will find them ALL OVER your house, the walls, the babies and in the babies diapers after they swallowed them. That's always a special surprise! (I should also mention that if your children have access to stickers, check your butt before leaving the house. That's where all the stickers gather for secret meetings and you will walk around the grocery store with "Chuggington" stuck on your ass.)

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

OCD- runs in the family?

My husband tells me I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder at least once a week. I know that what I do isn't the most NORMAL, but I don't think I need help or anything. I'm just a little nuts.

Fortunately, I hid my crazy from him during our dating years and it didn't come out in full force until after we were married. By the time he discovered how nuts I actually was, he was totally stuck (and, poor thing, madly in love with me).

Apparently, there are some "abnormal" things that I do or have to do that make him say these things.

For example (and please note that there's nothing "wrong" with my behavior, I just happen to like order and routine. I'm not least not officially.)
   1. In order to go to sleep at night I have to make sure the bathroom door is closed, the closet doors have to be closed and our bedroom door has to be closed (not completely shut, but enough to hear them click).

   2. Our blanket has stripes on it and has to be lined up perfectly before I can get tucked in. (As I write these, I'm starting to see the crazy...)

   3. In the morning, if I don't drink orange juice before I drink coffee (or my caffeine choice of the day) I get all weird and off. (Yes, I understand I'm not exactly sounding like the most sane person as I continue on.) Once the coffee is gone, I can't have more coffee, I need to drink something cold.

   4. Sometimes Evan will get up in the middle of the night to use our bathroom in our room (this still repeatedly freaks me out because he stands right next to me and waits for me to wake up, making me startle out of sleep and shriek out loud...) and because he's a boy, he will leave every door open. So I have to get up and shut the doors, just until they click. I've been known to repeat this several times in the night, and I don't even remember doing it (we can discuss sleepwalking at another point).

   5. When the kids are in car seats in the vehicles they each have assigned seats. Jalon likes to mess this up for me on purpose! (Don't play stupid...I totally know that YOU KNOW which side they are assigned. Don't force me to make labels.)

   6. Apparently, the fact that I CANNOT share my drinks with anyone, ever, is a problem. I don't see this as OCD. I see this as bacteria control. I won't even share with my kids. They are walking colds that even scientists are puzzled by. So not sharing my drink. (Can you blame me here? Have you seen people drink? Backwash city...if I want your saliva in my mouth, I'll ask for it. Otherwise, keep your disgusting spit in your mouth, please and thank you. And my kids constantly put very odd items in their mouths and since I would rather not end up in the hospital with some weird disease, I will be keeping my drinks secure.)

That's it. For me. I think these are small things. I do have my reasons for doing these things. But I'm pretty sure it's just going to make me look more nuts.

HA! Like I could actually look MORE crazy than I do right now. I have to have order. There's so much chaos in my normal, everyday world, that I like to control the things that I can control. It soothes me. It's comforting to have a routine and maybe I go a bit overboard, but it makes me feel better.
I think if I have a normal, good day, I don't get as bad. But if the day was rough and I'm overtired or overwhelmed, I tend to take comfort in the routine more than usual.

Jalon is nervous that I will pass this "issue" on to our children. Dude...have no fear. They already have it. Take comfort in knowing that it's probably not your fault.

Yes, he does this to all his toys. Then flips out when someone (Morgan) messes it up.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Ode to the Ice Cream Man

Summer is approaching, as witnessed by this beautiful day today. I could not help but remember my own childhood and how much I looked forward to days like this. Days when it was warm and the Ice Cream Man would deliver his frozen bounty to kids all around. I've seen him around, just not around here. I must live in the "uncool" part of town. Here's to you, Mr. Ice Cream Dude.:

The cold, sweet taste of a colorful Bomb pop
turns my frozen tongue a bright red and blue.
It's dripping down my hands, but I can't seem to stop,
and I don't think I ever want to.

You are the hero of a hot summer,
driving cool treats all around.
Except, it's a bit of a bummer
when you don't visit my ghetto part of town.

I've been craving those delicious ice cream treats
for some time now, just about all year.
If I don't see you soon, sweating in this heat,
you will have a crazy woman with a bat to fear.

Bring out those snocones, push pops and sundae cones,
and I may just forgive you this time.
Please drive your ass over here, right to my home,
So I can clean out some piggy banks of every nickel and dime.

You are the best, Mr. Ice Cream Man,
But don't piss off this psycho Mother of three.
I will hunt you down, I'm your biggest fan,
Until I get my ice cream, you won't be free of me!

It's just not summer without that sweet truck jingle,
you wonderful, delightful, Ice Cream dude.
Get over here for a neighborhood mingle,
Before I start to get rude.

This was created because I adore you dude
and all the ice cream treats that you keep cool.
This "Ode" may be filled with my attitude,
but it's my poem, my blog and "I can do what I want" rule.

My kids are plotting my demise

Here are a few things they have done, just today, that lead me to believe that they are out to get me. I think they are just out to annoy me to death. So far, it's working.

1. I went hunting for "rogue" sippy cups today so I could wash the dishes that didn't get done last night (finger pointed at you Jalon...yes, you. Pointy, pointy, point!) I fill it up to the brim, dump in some soap and slam it shut. Halfway though the washing process, I find 3 sippy cups shoved in Neverland behind our couch. These used to contain milk. Now the substance would be considered a bio-hazard and closely resembles something my kids have thrown up.

2. At the breakfast table this morning, Morgan decided she didn't want Declan to look at her. So she would stare at him and every time he turned to glance at her, she shanked him in the eye with her cereal spoon. (Maybe he was chewing too loud. I feel like shanking anyone who can't seem to close their mouth during the chewing process...what, are we cattle?)

3. Declan broke down in a FULL tantrum today. If you are a Mom, you know there are levels of tantrums. And just in case you need to know or have forgotten:

   a. Level 1- Basic tantrum- Means they are throwing a small fit in rebellion to something you have told them or done to them. Easily manipulated and distracted by shiny things. This is usually where Morgan falls. She doesn't put too much effort into pitching a huge fit. And she likes shiny things.

   b. Level 2- The headbanger- Means you add the high pitched screaming to the tantrum that makes you want to bash your head against a wall until you pass out or it stops. This is usually harder to stop, they end up just crying even more when offered the usual distraction. Might actually have to hold the child on this one and hope they just tire out quickly.

   c. Level 3- The Briber- The sound level of this tantrum increases until you are almost at breaking point. Usually 5 minutes of straight screaming and you are wondering if a neighbor isn't calling Social Services. Now you have to bust out the bribe. Cookies work best with my kids. Or Caillou. (I CANNOT STAND CAILLOU...I could write an entire blog post on how much that cartoon must die.)

   d. Level 4- OH MY GOD, PLEASE MAKE IT STOP- This is the FULL tantrum. You pick them up and they go limp. Nothing will work as a bribe. The screaming is so loud and obnoxious you would just about do anything to make it stop as quickly as you can. They scream louder when you are nearby, but if you try to hide, they hunt you down to be 100% sure you are heading closer and closer to crazy town. They use their head to bash yours, hands to claw your eyes out and teeth to bite your shoulder until there is blood dripping down your arm.

I had to put him in his room, in his crib, and leave the room. I left him for 10 minutes. He calmed himself down just fine in 5 minutes. Those extra 5 were just for me. I had to stitch up my wounds and calm myself down so I didn't bite him back.

4. I finished laundry this morning. Had it all organized and neatly laid out on my couch. I leave for 2.5 seconds so I can use my bathroom (I only trusted them alone because sometimes I go crazy if I can't just pee by myself. Not sure if you have ever had one kid trying to put her hand in the toilet while you are using it and the other turning the light on and off, falling head first into the bathtub or licking the bathroom mirror that hangs on the door. CRAZY. I'm going CRAZY!) and I come back to find the laundry scattered across the living room, playroom and even some in the kitchen. At this point I'm feeling so cranky that I almost eat a cookie right in front of them, just so I can be mean.

The time right now is 12:12. Nap time. This list be longer by the end of the day and they may even achieve their final goal. This day may end up with me in a straight jacket, mumbling about all sorts of crazy.

They can take me, if they give me the good drugs.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

My Severe Weather Rant...cranky much?

This is a stupid post. I'm sorry if you are reading this. But if I don't throw some stupid in there with the greatness that is my blog, people may think I'm not human.

Not sure why there are numbers. Apparently I like order. Which doesn't work in my house, so maybe that's why I put it in my blog.

1. I love Severe Weather. I can't really explain why without sounding like a complete psycho. People think I'm nuts because I want my house blown away. But I don't want my house blown away or anyone hurt (although there are these two trees in my yard....those could go). I would chase tornados if I could. Chase them all over the place. And probably get carsick all over the place. I don't travel well.

2. I love storms. When the sky starts turning into different shades of gray (this reminds me of a book title...), throw in some vomit green color, and get ready. Watching the warnings on tv, losing my satellite connection, running outside every 2 minutes to stare at the clouds (much like my children do when there's an airplane and I'm just as giddy) so I can watch them turn and spin into something that resembles a funnel cloud. Everything is so quiet, as if all the bugs are suspended in a blanket of humidity (never open your mouth, bug stew does not taste good). The grass and the trees look even more green when it gets this dark during the day. The air just about crackles with electricity and excitement for what's about to arrive. Some delightful storm stew is brewing! There's nothing quite like it!

3. As I'm writing this, Declan (2-year old) just got his head stuck in between the table and the couch. This is a huge distraction from the images I was working hard on painting with my words. This is why I can't actually get a book finished. Or started.

4. I'm starting to notice my ADD in my writing. Sorry if I'm distracting you as well. My husband gets annoyed at my ability to transfer from one topic to another without a transition to help him along. Maybe that's why I have issues writing...I need help.

5. We have had many threats this spring. And it's only May. So there are still more chances. BUT. This week there have been more promises of Severe Weather (I am capitalizing these because I am in love with the word and I can do what I want on my there.) We better get some of this weather. Not sure what I'm going to threaten, or who to threaten. I suck at this...maybe this is why my kids walk all over me.

6. In conclusion ( I feel like I'm writing a paper for highschool) I love Severe Weather, wish we had more of it, and I would threaten it but I don't know how. The end.

Please don't judge me based on this post alone.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Again with the lists?

It's easier to fit all my info in this way. I like lists. And I just have a few small things for today.

I hate bugs. Seriously. Hate. Bugs.
This is a special thank you to my Dad for coming to my rescue today.
Gigantic Centipede in my house. I'm pretty sure I stopped breathing.
He was the size of my foot and moved so fast, I'm pretty he broke the sound barrier.
(This may be only slightly over dramatic. Stop rolling your eyes Jalon...he was big!)

I'm pretty sure I have the best husband in the world.
He lets me (maybe lets is not the best word...) put my freezing cold feet on his legs at night.
He buys me books. And I read....a lot. More than a Mom of 3 kids probably should.
He takes out the trash.
He gardens because I'm terrified of worms but love the food.
And, best of all, he loves me as I am.
This is a VERY sappy post...what is wrong with me?

Moving on...
I love that my 5-year old tries to turn every night into a party.
We end up having lots of parties for no reason at all.
Tonight, we are having a party to celebrate the fact that I bought his favorite side dish.
Suddenly Salad.
Yes...that is sad.
BUT, I do envy his ability to turn small things into the best things.
So, I decided to make a dessert.
That's how I like to celebrate.
If there's sugar involved...count me in!

I have a love/hate relationship with the beautiful weather we are having today.
Love-being outside, reading, watching the kids, riding bikes, taking walks and getting sun.
Hate- that I want to do all of the above, but instead, need to get housework done.

I have great friends and family that read this blog.
I'm not sure anyone else does, but that's OK.
I love that I have great friends and family.
I wish I could have people over more to celebrate that fact.
I wish I could get my house clean so I could have people over more.
I wish that bugs would stop interrupting my day so I could clean and have people over more...

The twins aren't napping as long as they used to anymore.
I'm going to miss this part of my day.
And the ability to get more done.
They tend to get upset when I have work to do.
They pull on my legs, scream, fight over my lap and try to keep me glued to the TV.
It usually works.

If you are driving your vehicle and start digging in your nose,
(as in knuckle-deep, probing your brain),
don't go looking all upset when I start pointing and laughing at you.
You are not invisible in your vehicle.
But that's really gross.
You should wash your hands.

One last tidbit...
If you are a customer in a store that allows you to sit comfortably in a chair for a little bit,
PLEASE (this is me, asking you nicely)
This is a store. Not your house.
Not sure how you were mistaken on that fact.
NO ONE... I really do mean NO ONE
wants to smell/see your disgusting, dry, knobby, scaly, raunchy bare ass feet
while they are shopping.
(And yes, you do have gross feet. Trust me. Unless you are a baby. Then feet are adorable.)
With their shoes on.
Like they should be in a store.
I can't believe I have to put this out there.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

A day in Lists

I think I have ADD today because I have too many topics and my brain is hopping around like crazy. So I did a list form so I could get it all out of my head. Good luck reading this.

1. Thought our TV was dead today. When we turned it on, the picture came on fine, but the sound was just really loud static. I panicked (at this moment, I realized how sad it was that we need our TV. Worst Mom of the Year...)Then, because I have super awesome maintenance skills, I decided to turn the device off and then back on again. (Oh yes, I have had training...can't you tell?) All was good. Simultaneous sigh of relief was heard.

Evan: "Whew, Mommy! You fixed the TV! You are the best fixer. Almost like Daddy. (HA! Give me an aircraft and I bet I could be better than Daddy...well, maybe.) What would we have done without TV today?"
Me: "I have no idea."

2. You know when it's time to shower after you pull the hairband holding a ponytail out and your hair is still a ponytail. Oh yeah...I'm a hot Mom. The curls aren't even curls...more like knots and tangles. I feel gross and slightly embarrassed because I'm admitting this. I even spilled some leftover sloppy joe on my shirt from lunch. Pretty sure I won't be winning beauty awards any time soon. (My husband still likes me, so who cares. At least that's what I'm telling myself.)

3. It's Bug Week in Evans classroom and he's supposed to bring bugs into school. He's more scared than I am when it comes to bugs (my fear is pretty epic. But then again, Evan is scared of birds. He claims they are "going to peck his eyes out."). And since my day is spent avoiding anything creepy and gross, it's been a challenge. I actually scooped a bug up the other day (horrifying yellow beetle thing that tried to burrow in the dirt, I wanted to beat it with my shovel, but I managed to contain my bug rage and put it in a jar.)

Evan was asking Jay how to catch bugs. Jay told him to send me outside and they'll come out. Apparently I have the ability to spot a bug no matter where I am, but I think they flock to the one that fears them the most. My husband is getting a bit frustrated when I make him kill the spiders I find in the house. I find at LEAST 1 every day. He keeps accusing me of "looking" for them. Seriously? Duh....of course I look for them. Like I'm going to let them crawl into my mouth while I'm sleeping or get stuck in my very curly hair. I am terrified of feeling tiny spider legs running across my skin. Plus, it's not like their paying rent to live on my wall. Smash City for bugs that make it into my house.  

4. Me: "Evan, you can eat in the living room but don't make a mess."
    Evan: "Why? What will happen?"
    Me: "I'll make you clean it up."
    Evan: "Why does everything happen to me?"

5. We took a family bike ride last night and I swear it felt like 8 miles (I'm guessing it was more like 2) because my butt and thighs were numb! Decided that it was such a good workout that I would do it again this morning. Bad idea. I think my butt is so sore from the seat that I may have butt blisters. I'm not actually going to check, too scared of what I may see. Not blister wise, but no need to freak myself out over the amount of cellulite hiding there.

6. I make the best caffeinated drinks. When I'm fully caffeinated, I can handle all sorts of crap my day throws at me. And I can do it with a smile. I start with a delicious iced coffee, first thing in the morning. Dump coffee, ice and half a gallon of chocolate syrup in a cup. Pour in some milk and BAM...happiness CAN be found in a cup. Then for the second portion of my day- Pink Lemonade in a cup, add Crystal Light Wild Strawberry (Energy Packets), and stir. Hits the bloodstream fast and I swear it's so much caffeine and sugar, I start to vibrate. Jalon thinks it's bad that I need so much caffeine in my day, but I'm pretty sure that's the only reason I'm not in a straight jacket. It's my happy juice.

7. Evan: "If you don't do something for me, I won't be doing something for you."
    Me: "What are you talking about."
    Evan: "If you want me to help clean, then your going to need to let me ride my bike."
    Me: "Are you negotiating your chores with me?"
    Evan: "What's 'gotiate mean?"
    Me: "Let's try this your chores, then you can ride your bike."
    Evan: "Today's Tuesday. You told me Tuesday we won't clean."
    Me: "Sunday's we don't clean. Nice attempt."
    Evan: "Fine...(insert gigantic 5 year old sigh here with some stomping of feet) But I don't like it."
    Me: "Then stop making a mess and you wouldn't have to clean it."
    Evan: "That's just what kids do Mommy."