Friday, May 25, 2012

Garage Sale Rules

Because I'm a pain in the butt, I've come up with rules for people who have garage sales and for people that shop them. I actually can't believe I had to write some of these down. Clearly there are some fascinating people out there that deserve some "special" attention. (By saying special here, I mean in the form of cops, handcuffs and a lovely prison cell.)

I have only been to a few garage sales this year. But here are a few tips to follow. Or at least keep you entertained.

1. If you are going to sell a "penis exerciser" please put it in back somewhere and not right next to the 10 crates of Playboy magazines on a table with what I thought were antique candle holders. My 5 year old son received an interesting education that day. Questions were asked that I really didn't not feel like answering in public...or ever.

2. If you are going to be shopping at a garage sale, please remember that it's still considered a "public" area. Not your backyard. Wearing a old, saggy, tank top, without a bra, is not acceptable. Unless your a dude without gigantic nipples. There were goods that I DIDN'T want to be viewing. Once again I had a 5 year old asking questions that I really wasn't wanting to answer in public...or ever.

3. If it looks like it came out of the garbage, then it probably did. I won't be spending money on it.

4. I am scared to eat food at restaurants some times. What makes you think I'm going to purchase your homemade popcorn or cupcakes? I'm looking for decor and kid crap, not food poisoning. But thanks.

5. Please only sell stuff that isn't stained or covered in holes. I know that kids make stains, but you don't need to sell it. Maybe a free bin? But I'm not giving you $1.00 for a ripped, stained pair of jeans. And I'll be pissed when I get home to realize that I actually did just that.

6. I don't ever, EVER, ever, want to buy/see any used underwear. Or bras for that matter. Gross. I don't want your dried swoob juice or other bodily fluids spreading around. If your done with it, throw it out. Certain things don't need to be passed on.

7. Make some what of an effort when displaying the goods I shall be pursuing. I won't be taking the time to dig through cardboard boxes full of what looks to be plastic body parts.

That's about all I have. It's Friday and I love garage sales. But I love it even more when I see the crazy displayed in the driveway. Makes me feel just a little bit better knowing I'm not alone.


  1. penis exerciser?? Ewww.....

  2. It looked like an antique. I wanted to purchase it, but it also looked expensive.


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