My daughter has been going through an interesting phase lately.
It involves a lot of screaming, crying and the statement, "I can't do it!".
I usually come back with, "It's not too difficult, just TRY!"
It's seems so easy for me. Usually, it's that she can't pull her shirt over her own head, or zip up her jacket. She just gives up, throws herself down, and cries until someone helps her. I stand there and tell her over and over again, to just try again. It will get better if you keep trying. It will get easier over time.
Ridiculous behavior for something that's so simple.
Then why do I behave in similar fashion when it comes to my writing?
I sit here, watching the cursor blink at me, waiting for me to type out the words that have been shifting around in my head for days. Seems so easy. The words are there. My computer is working just fine. My fingers know how to type out the words that have been harassing me all week.
What's holding me back?
When I ask Morgan, mid-tantrum, "Why can't you do it?"
She tells me over and over again, "I'm too scared, Mommy!"
Scared? Of getting your head stuck in your shirt? Seriously?
And once again, I have to look in the mirror and ask myself, "What am I scared of? It's just a few words..."
Yet, here I sit, staring at a blank screen. I talk myself out of it. I convince myself that the words in my head are stupid. That I will sound like a crazy person. No one is interested in reading the words of a crazy person...
I write everything down, look at it all, convince myself it's awful and hit delete until all those words disappear. I've been sitting here, everyday, doing the same thing, over and over again.
I've always suffered from a lack of confidence. In everything I do. I don't feel like I'll be good enough. That everything I do, touch or get involved with, will somehow fail due to my lack of ability or knowledge.
Even if I do fail, why is that so bad? I tell my kids over and over, that failure is just a part of living. That we all must fail at something, so we learn how to pick ourselves up and try again. We learn from our mistakes. We work harder the next time. Or maybe that failure is telling us to try a different path.
Either way, it won't break us. It shouldn't make us scared to try again. I need to try again. I need to try. I need to shut down that part of my head that convinces me that I won't succeed. I am going to just go for it.
I am going to hit that publish button today.