Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Dear Pioneer Woman...I love you. And so does my son.

Dear Pioneer Woman*,

   I decided to watch your show the other day. This isn't the first time for me. It was a rerun, but I didn't care because I love you so. My 5 year-old son, Evan, walked in suddenly and shouted with glee that you were his favorite person and he loves your food. Not sure where that came from, but hey, who cares? I didn't have to watch cartoons for once.

   On this particular episode you were making Chicken Fried Steak with Gravy. (I capitalize words I think are important. Don't push me when it comes to Gravy.) You also created your famous Mashed Potatoes that I happen to adore and Evan won't actually consume. He hates potatoes. So I found it amusing when he then demanded I make EXACTLY what you made.

   I have made other Chicken Fried Steak recipes before and I've ruined this dinner for my poor husband. Undercooked meat, overcooked meat, or un-breaded meat. My issue is...I just suck at cooking sometimes because I have a bad attention span and lose track of what exactly I'm supposed to be doing. (I make great breakfast. Want my recipe? 1. Pour cereal in bowl. 2. Dump in milk. 3. Add a spoon. Consume quickly as to avoid mush. Done.)

   But when Evan, the boy that doesn't eat food, starts demanding an actual dinner, I HAVE to try. Right? I must and I do.

   It took me a little bit longer than I had anticipated. The twins were getting slightly anxious over the delicious smells and started to scream a bit loudly.

   "The frying of food takes awhile, be patient. You will taste perfection in a few minutes. Now STOP screaming!" is what I told those brats...and my husband who may or may not have been drooling at the baby gate with them.

   I splattered oil all over my stove top (and surrounding my feet and hair), dumped flour over every counter top I have in the house, and I may have deep fried a fingertip or two. By the end of the prepping/coating/cooking process, I looked like I was ready to be deep fried and topped with some scrumptious gravy.

   But you know what?

   He ATE it! Including the mashed potatoes! (The twins wouldn't have it. I'm not 100% sure they're mine...)

   Then he hunted through your cookbook (proud owner of the first one, can't quite afford the second one just yet, but it's on my day it will have a home on my special shelf) and he scoured through the recipes to see what else I could make and hopefully not destroy.

   Which is fine with me! Except for the seafood. No way. Not happening. Not here. Nopenopenope. Despite my husbands many attempts, it will not happen. No.

   I have always adored you, adorable Pioneer Woman, and you now have another loyal follower to add to your immense list. A chef in the making (or waiter if his recent job choice remains in tact) that would rather watch The Pioneer Woman than SuperWhy. You receive many thanks for this. Many.

P.S. I would also like to add, while I'm being nice and all, thank you for creating those orgasmic little bites of joy that you call Knock You Naked Brownies. Holy crap, they are pure bliss. Chocolate, caramel and pecans, combined to create euphoria in each ambrosial bite and perfect for taking the edge off certain moments of a month that tend to be destructive. They were my worst enemy while I was dieting but after I quit that crap, I wept with merriment after making a pan of delectable goodness to celebrate my failure. I hope that about covers it. Can you tell I love these brownies? Love, as in, would marry if that was even possible.

And, just in case you don't believe me..I have PROOF. Evidential support of my above statement. (Thank you Legally Blond and wasted Paralegal Degree for some great words.) As a side note- I do know that Evan has his shirt on inside out. It's OK. He's special.

* Pioneer Woman- for those of you in the dark still, this woman works miracles with food. If you are in the dark it must be under a rock, in a cave, somewhere in Tibet. Because this woman is FABULOUS! If you like to eat food, check her out. And here's a link to her site.

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