Friday, June 8, 2012

Customer Assistance Please

First of all, I need to send out a serious and wonderful THANK YOU to my co-workers/friends for sending me out with flair. I have never felt so amazingly loved before and I'm amazed by all the support for my new endeavor. It's going to be a challenge, but thanks to you all, I feel like it may just be possible. I will continue to stalk you all because I love you and you just can't get rid of me that easily.

I wish I could keep you all in my pocket and carry you around with me. But I tend to wash clothes without checking the pockets first, so I'm not 100% sure you would survive that kind of love.

Moving on with my simple and short blog post for the day...this is for you, my special co-workers/friends.

At our workplace (not mentioning a store name here but it involves books and customers) we see/hear/smell so much that's it's impossible to not go just a little crazy after awhile. Most of the time we work with some wonderful, amazing customers that appreciate the help we can provide and are just plain enjoyable to work with. BUT, at least once a day (I was only part-time so this may happen more often for those that work longer hours), we get to work with a butthead (this is my "nice" term...insert word of choice here).

This customer, if it does it's job well enough, can just about ruin the day. Then I have to come home, go into the bathroom, cry for awhile about how much I hate people and hope that I never have to look at that person again. Or you find a great co-worker/friend and bitch together about what a whore that person was and find therapy through laughter and alcohol.

Are you a good customer or a bad customer? (Totally feels like Wizard of Oz here "Are you a bad witch or a good witch?" Sorry...moving on again.)

This is for all you customers out there that may not realize just what you are doing. I'm hoping the "bad" customers will read this and adjust their attitudes, therefore saving my friends from future bullcrap. I feel like this should be a public service announcement.

1. Do NOT yell at the person assisting you. It is not our fault that the Internet price is cheaper than the store price. If you want that price, learn how to buy online like the rest of society. Also, welcome to 2012.

2. When someone says "Hello" or "Have a nice day" to you, it's polite to say something back. Anything. Seriously. I hate being ignored. I really don't care if your in a hurry or having a bad day...just say something. Be nice for once in your hateful existence.

3. Please don't buy the Playboy magazine. When I scan this, it will beep asking for the price and then I'll have to hunt for it while hiding my immense blush that's spreading across my face. Then I'll rush through the process and drop it on the floor. I will even get more embarrassed when I find out that you want 6 of them and I'll have to repeat this process....bleh.

4. If you have an e-reading device you get a separate portion of rules:
          * No, your device will not pick up the Internet just because you stand next to your wireless TV.
          * If you cannot turn the device on/off alone, you should probably just quit. Now.
          * The device does not come pre-loaded with free books. This isn't the library. You will have to BUY the books. I know this is a huge shock to you. Please cry in the bathroom, I'm annoyed by your tears.
          * This is a touchscreen. They call it that because you can just "touch" it...not punch the ever-loving shit out of it. I don't think the screen should actually bend like that.
          * Oh it doesn't work? Well, let me clean off the 10 layers of dust/dirt/finger filth/crumbs/water splats off of it and plug it in. Oh well...look at that. It just needed to be charged. Damn. The only thing saving your stupid ass right now is that I'm getting paid for this.
          * This device is considered technology. If you are naturally repelled by this, please do not touch it. It's OK. They still make paper books for you.
          * If you seriously HATE e-readers and are against them...don't tell me this. I don't care. I like it because I like actually saving my money. You like tossing yours away. Good for you. Now go away.
          * You dropped it in water and want to see if there's something we can do to fix it? Seriously? Do I have to hide my face when I laugh?
5. You want to buy 50 Shades of Grey but can't find it? Oh, let me show you. The crappiest book on the planet is here...and here...and here....also over here and we have some way over there. You embarrassed now because you didn't see it? should be.

6. You don't want your child to read Twilight but the Pretty Little Liar series is OK? Makes perfect sense.

7. You are yelling at me because I can't understand you? You are on your cell phone and I can't hear over the dishes you are washing in the background. I would physically harm you if I could reach you.

8. Oh you want to leave your kids here while you shop? HAHAHAHAHAH...good luck. Daycare people make WAYYYY more than I'm bringing in...looks like it's a good time to go to the bathroom.

9. You want some recommendations? Sure, let me take you all over the store and give you about 100 of them. Oh, you don't want THOSE suggestions but a random book you just decided to pick up? *&^% you.

10. No you cannot return the book you bought two months ago, with torn pages, smelling like ass and looks like it's been read 20 times. Try that shit on Amazon.

11. And if you expect me to help you while you are chatting on your cellphone or on some bluetooth crap in your ear, it won't happen. The only time I talk to more than 1 person at a time, that I can't physically see, is in my own head.

And you guys, I know there are 100 more. Or even more than that. I will miss you all so very much. You mean the world to me and your support is so amazing that I feel as if I may actually accomplish what I've set out to do. I'll even miss this job. I love being around books and it's so hard to not have that anymore.

I can say it better in writing than I can in person. Maybe that's a sign that I'm on the write path? (Do you see what I did there? hahah...oh, I'm sorry.)


  1. I felt the love in our hug last night. (could be a song lyric) Your energy and tales of raising three young kids will be greatly missed. Don't be affraid to be bring them in the store and hunt me down for help watching them. This not goodbye but see you soon! I HATE goodbyes. AS long as you keep blogging I'll keep reading. Love ya girl! I'm totally ok with you adding me in as a character in your book. :)

  2. I know it was long ago, but you must have forgotten a lot of these non-book specific lessons from Target.


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