Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Can I get any hotter?

The answer is no.

Today I purchased new shorts. I never wear shorts. I am not a fan of my legs and figure the less I expose to the world, the better. But it's hot outside today (for MN anyway). And I was going to be in my backyard so figured that I should just go for it. Plus, they looked comfortable, had an elastic wasteband and were a lightweight fabric that may come in handy for bedtime or running. (Or so I thought!)

These here are some multi-purpose shorts! Two pair for $6! It's a steal! (I wonder why they were so cheap?)

Guess where I bought them? From a classy clothing store?

Sure...if you consider Menards classy. I didn't even know Menards sold clothing. Until today.

Yes, I know the view is wrong, but you get the point. I bought a Large, because I have a flat, but wide butt and it takes up some space. And I figured I wanted them comfy and not all tight across my nether bits.

I was so excited! My husband would be so proud of me for shopping so cheaply! I found shorts for cheap that can be used for more than 1 purpose! Woo-hoo! I even did a happy, money-saving, dance.

Then I tried them on.


These are snug. I didn't know the Large would be so snug...

Then I started to walk.

Oops! I don't think they were supposed to ride up in there! Oofta. If you have seen pictures of a camel toe can imagine what I was experiencing here. I guess will NOT be running in these. That would be a picture and a running down the street, grabbing my crotch every second to yank these tiny shorts out of my girly bits. The elastic wasteband would be more comfortable if it were to stay in position and not try to help the shorts ride up. And they are very TIGHT around my thighs. Nice images I'm painting for you, huh?

These will not be a pair I will be wearing in public.

I can't get my lower half to stop eating them when I walk.

Oh pajamas for $6. Jay doesn't care what I look like. And they work fine if I plan on staying in the backyard, out of the public eye and sitting down the whole time. Paired with my Walmart shirt and dirty, unbrushed hair, I was ready for the "Sexiest Mom" Award for my block. I even have uneven tan lines and fuzzy leg hair! Beat that Real Housewives of whatever.

While I was at Menards I purchased a pool.

(I can hear my husband, typing on his cell phone as he reads this, "you bought a what? Do I have to take your debit card away?" I'm psychic. Trust me.)

I wish it was one that could fit more than my big toe, but those cost more than I have and unless I'm selling an egg (yes, I mean THOSE eggs) we will stick with the small pools.

It's cute. But tiny. It had to be. My car is tiny.

I have too many of those moments already, where I ask myself the important questions way too late.
Like, "was it a good idea to have kids?" as I'm pregnant with the twins.
I didn't want to be asking myself, "Will this pool fit in my car?" as I'm sweating the parking lot, staring at my vehicle with 3 kids and a large plastic disk, in a shopping cart, that I already paid for.

So we purchased the small pool for $6. I didn't want something I had to exert energy for by blowing up with my lungs. I want to be able to dump it and throw it in the garage (sorry Jay) and be able to pull it out again, without too much effort. I'm lazy.

And it's quick to fill, quick to empty and quick to clean when someone poops in it.
You can never be too prepared for what your kids will do.

After filling the pool he did this. I really wanted to turn it on..but I'm not like that. Ok. Whatever. I considered it but knew that the second I moved, he would too.

He splashed me as I splashed him and this is the picture as it happened. That water was COLD so you can see why his expression is "holy crap!"

What happens when you swim and try to go down the slide wet? Nothing good. Your thighs loudly squeak as you shuffle down awkwardly, leaving wet streaks in your wake, and everyone around knows that you are having a painful time getting down that slide. Then you cry when you reach the bottom after noticing how red and painful your thighs/butt are. He even gave himself a tiny thong from this, because his swimmers crawled right up there...I know how that feels buddy. Stupid $6 shorts...

My Mo Mo. Love that belly. That's her "ranch dressing" belly. She eats it by the fistful. What? So do I, so I see nothing wrong with it. Ranch goes with everything. Sorry...sidetracked. The water was freezing so she took it slow by dipping in one toe at a time.

It's not poop (yet) but sand. Declan decided to experiement with combining our sandbox and pool. It's like a beach in the backyard! He's a genius!

Anyway. I love summer sometimes. I love Autumn more. I'm trying to enjoy this before it gets cold and it will be harder to get everyone outside. But with all the wet clothes, sand everywhere and not being able to wear jeans all the time, I'm looking forward to some cooler temps.
There's a reason I like living in Minnesota.
 I like cold.
And I hate shorts.

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