Monday, April 15, 2013

Mental Illness

This post is taking a more serious twist today.

I had other ideas for M but this one is weighing on me today.

I have been diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder and OCD. I see a therapist once a week for these and have decided to just to dive right in and tell you how it's been going.

It's hard. Really, really hard. Much harder than I thought it was going to be at the beginning.

My anxiety is really high when I think about my one bad thought. It's usually just one. For me, it feels like life or death. I know this is not rational thinking. I know that most people can have this thought and push it away like it isn't serious. But for me, this thought consumes my life and how I live my life.

This one thought is the stomach flu hitting my home.

I know. Doesn't sound like life or death to you, does it?

For me, it's the one thought that can fill me with dread. It's the one thought that can send me to bed, shaking with an anxiety attack and a headache. This has happened since I was little. But it didn't really start taking over my life until I had kids of my own. This one thought has more power over my mind than I ever thought.

Since I've had children, it's a challenge for me to take them out of the house during the flu season. I can't risk it. In my head, the second we walk out that door, they will become infected. I Lysol my house constantly. We wash our hands all the time. I also wash bedding and clothing to make sure nothing is infected. I didn't really think there was a lot wrong with this before. But now I can see that these thoughts shouldn't be running my life for me.

Sounds completely irrational to you, doesn't it?

This is my life. I was diagnosed with the OCD because of my rituals and feelings that take over when the anxiety is at an all time high. I feel terrible for my husband.

Last night while driving, our turn off was going to be in the right lane. He was driving in the left lane, because we had miles to go before we needed to turn. It didn't matter in my head. My anxiety was so high, it was life or death if he didn't pull into that right lane now. It was a heavy weight, crushing down on my chest, swimming around in my head and I couldn't shake the overwhelming feeling that we needed to be in the right lane. I asked him to please switch lanes. "Please get into the right lane, we need to be in the right lane." I figured if I asked him nicely, he will do it without asking too many questions about what he can do to help. Or the dreaded, "Are you OK?" He knew that I was not having an easy time, so he did it. He was more than confused, but he is learning to deal with my anxiety in a different manner. It's going to be a difficult process for the both of us. Him, it will be learning to talk to me better when I'm feeling like the anxiety is taking over and for me, it will be learning to calm myself down so I don't let the anxiety win.

My rituals get more pronounced when I'm feeling anxious. If that one "thought" is making me feel anxious, the rituals are done more frequently. My rituals, in my head, are done to prevent sickness from coming to our home. If I do everything, the right way, in the right order, everyone will stay healthy.

I'm learning, slowly, when it's my anxiety taking over and how to calm myself down a little. It's so hard to overcome that part of my mind that tells me the second I "let go" of this, everyone will get sick. As if we will somehow be punished for my getting better.

Most days, I feel fine. But some days, it's all too much. Anytime I hear of someone coming down with the stomach flu or getting sick, the panic slowly starts to set in and I need to get home to safety and do my "rituals" to protect our home. Those are the days I can't seem to escape my own head. Those are also the days I'm very tired, almost like I'm coming down with something. I get headaches and lose whatever appetite I may have had.

It's also very hard being a christian woman. I pray everyday to God for help getting better. But it's hard to hear people tell you that you just need to "Trust in God, if your faith is stronger you can beat this." I beat myself up constantly because the reason I can't control this part of my head, must be because of a lack of faith in God, right?

I'm working on it and it can only get better from here. I know that what I'm thinking doesn't need to control my life and that, one day, I will have control over my own mind. It's just going to take me some time.

If you made it through this post, thanks for listening. There's a part of me that doesn't think I should share this, but the other part is telling me to share, because I might not be the only one living with this.

This was really hard to get down properly and it's going to be even harder to push the publish button. 

21 comments:

  1. Danielle, that's absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. You should be proud that you were able to write about it. You out into words what so many people have trouble explaining.

    Just keep talking things out and working on what you can control. Some days will definitely be harder than others, but those are the ones in which you lean on your family the most.

    Keep your head up!

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    1. Thanks! It was very difficult and took me a long time to submit, but I'm glad I did it.

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  2. You're far from alone. It's just that people don't talk about it publicly as much as they should. In a world where it seems like everyone talks about everything, things like mental illness (your brain malfunctioning much like your liver or kidneys might) is somehow more shameful than alcoholism or drug addiction? It makes no sense.

    Also, "The reason I can't control this part of my head, must be because of a lack of faith in God, right?" Wrong. People didn't even believe that during the Middle Ages. Until rather recently, faith was NOT usually meant to cause miracles. If you talked to a Christian in 1000 AD, they would have said their faith was to help them endure the will of God, not to live in those Walgreens commercials about the town of Perfect.

    Strong faith doesn't make multiple sclerosis go away. The "switching stations" in your brain aren't working properly, just like a heart valve might go wonky. Far from making you a "bad" person, it just means you're a soul living in a fallible body. Just like the rest of us, my friend.

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    1. Thank you for that! It is helpful to remember that, it's so hard when my brain is telling me something else.

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  3. You are definitely not alone; I think that in the past couple of decades, we've defined people to death and we've forgotten that we are all human beings with strengths and weaknesses and oddities and worries. Because we've done all this labeling, people are scared to share themselves because someone is going to think they are crazy.

    As a mom, I completely understand that overwhelming feeling to do anything that might keep something from going a certain way. My thought isn't stomach flu, but I have serious issues with food poisoning (we waste a lot of food; I also overcook a lot). I've got other "thoughts" and anxieties too; my husband's learned when he can say, "Okay, let's look at how ridiculous this is" and when he really needs to just hold my hand.

    Regarding a lack of faith: I have an awesome pastor friend who posted once about how Christians are horrible about taking Bible verses out of context and just making other Christians feel bad about things. Example, Romans 8:28: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

    You take that out of context, and at some point everyone's going to think, "I must not love God enough, because things aren't working out for me." But it doesn't mean that God's going to make everything perfect for those who love him. Like Sebastiene said, faith doesn't simply make things go away. Does God have that power? I believe he does; I believe in miracles. But I also believe we live in fallible bodies and a fallible world.

    I DO believe that God uses those things, though, if we trust him. And he helps us deal with those things as well.

    Thanks for sharing; it takes courage to put something like that out there for all the Internets.

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    1. Thank you for this. I agree with you. I just wish I could overcome that part of my head that won't let it go.

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  4. There's nothing to be ashamed of! I am on medicine for anxiety. I am not ashamed of it. I have just learned to accept that it's a part of who I am.

    My blog: morgankatz505.blogspot.com

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    1. Thanks for stopping by. =) It's part of who I am, I just don't want it to run me anymore.

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  5. Hi, well done for pushing that button and putting this post up online.

    I have a friend with a twelve year old daughter who is unwell - when she was nine she was very sick with a bad stomach bug. Ever since she has been doing stuff like you have mentioned. Washing her hands over and over, won't eat most foods. Will only drink water from bottles where she cracks the top, and only a little from each bottle.

    Her diet is so restricted, she is totally malnourished, and doctors can't cure her mental illness (OCD) anxiety disorder. Her parents are at their wits end. She struggles with friendships, and has moved schools twice. Her mother now home schools her...

    I told my friend maybe his daughter should write down what she feels...spill it out onto the page, like you have done here. Writing is therapy I think. Its what I do.

    I get really stressed out too, before I know it, a mole hill is a mountain, but over the years I have found yoga and writing to be powerful tools in calming me down, so I can think rationally.

    Another thing to try - wear an elastic band on your wrist, and say to yourself, while I have this, I am okay, everything is good. As you go about your day, keep looking at your good luck band, and repeating, I am okay, everything is good. Make it your mantra.

    Thank you for sharing your post, and I hope you find help and answers to why you are feeling this way.

    Take care

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    1. Writing is therapy. It helps me put thoughts into words much easier than I can when I try to talk. My husband tells me to keep writing since it seems to help me so much.

      I've been drinking tea at night and finding my relaxers. I should give the band a try...couldn't hurt at this point. =)

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  6. Thank you so much for sharing. seeing someone else share makes me feel better and braver about sharing my own demons. My fears are more generalized to not having 100% control over my entire life (are the dishes done? did I write my work schedule down right? is everything put away in the right place?), but they panic you described is all too familiar. Thank the powers the bed for giving us husbands that don't run for the hills, but try to help us share the weight of the worry in whatever way they know how.

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    1. Yes, my husband is the best support system I could ask for. I keep waiting for him to just pack up and leave, but he's sticking by me through all of this. There must be an award out there somewhere for staying with your wife through the crazy days. =)

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  7. You are definitely not alone! I wish I had some good advice to share on how to cope and overcome, but there isn't a lot of common ground for people with mental disorders. What works for one doesn't always work for another, and what works once doesn't necessarily work all the time. It's frustrating, I know. Hang in there!!

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    1. Agreed. It's so hard to offer advice when each person is so different. It's just nice to know that I'm not alone with all this. =)

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  8. Congrats on taking that first important step of choosing to talk to someone about what your're going through. So many people don't even make it that far, and for that you should be proud.

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  9. I know I say it all the time, but you and I are the same person. While I don't necessarily have the OCD part of your situation, obviously, I have other issues. My anxiety is a daily part of my life and it's taken time to learn how to deal with it in my everyday life. I don't have a normal reaction to a noise in my living room, which is obviously the cats. Even with Jeff home, the alarm on, door locked, I'm convinced that noise is an axe murderer, coming to kill us all. I don't have the "Oh hey, the cats are being noisy" aspect. I go immediately to, "I'm going to die". I religiously follow rules, to the point of anxiety if I see a police officer in a car behind me. "Am I driving the right speed? Is my registration up to date? I know where all my paperwork is if he pulls me over?" Irrational thoughts, I know. I work hard at calming myself down.

    Danielle, I understand where you are, almost to a "T". I was there. I was frustrated, almost to the point of anger all the time. I'm not an angry person. I'm a super nice, outgoing, friendly person. In public. At home, I'm a mess. I freak out, I'm tired, I'm restless. But I'm getting better. Medication like Celexia and talk therapy were my biggest helpers. I'm still on the Celexia and up until yesterday, I'd been away from counselling for over a year. Now I have been formally diagnosed as having ADHD, as you know, and I'm feeling anxious and overwhelmed. I'll crash in a day, or a week, have a day in my room, sleeping, reading, just trying to absorb it all.

    It sounds to me like you have an amazing husband and he's supportive and trying so hard to help you. I have the same thing, and I'm thankful for him daily. Right now, he knows that the medications will alter my personality for a period of time and he's sensitive and thoughtful right now. You are blessed. Be patient with him too. It's a journey for both of you and you will be stronger as a couple because of it if you can both work together.

    Good luck Danielle. And anytime you need to chat and just vent, let me know. No problems with me over the internet. It's in person I'm a bit weird. LOL

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  10. You are not alone. So many people wrestle with anxiety and OCD. It runs in my family as well and I know what a struggle it can be to (1) be the one with the illness (2) what it's like to live with someone who has OCD. Neither of the options are a walk in the park. It might do your husband some good to talk to someone as well. It's hard to like with someone with OCD and be understanding and patient.

    I'm glad you decided to share this post. It's very brave of you to put it out there. :)

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    1. Thank you! He's been coming to some of my therapy appointments with me so he can help me better at home. It's been great that he's able to do that.

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  11. Thank you for sharing this. I don't struggle with anxiety or OCD, but I have friends that do. It helps me to know better ways to respond to them.

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  12. You were right to share!! There are lots of us with problems like yours or others that are equally tough to live with. Sharing may even help a little, or help others. It's cliche, but it's true, that sharing our burdens makes them lighter. Mary at Mary A to Z

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    1. Thank you and I agree that sharing does make it easier. And it also helps people close to me understand a little bit better about what I'm going through.

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