I decided to write the How to Guide to Potty Train Twins in 10 Easy Steps.
Good luck with that.
If you have done this already, please tell me there's a wand I can buy to make this all go away. Just a quick "Walla-kabooze" (that's what I say when I wave my wand in my head...) and *poof* no more diapers!
Here's my go-to guide, to help you through it all:
1. Buy lots of candy and toys. We also call these "bribes". You need to spend a fortune on all this crap- how else do you plan on pissing off your spouse?
2. Spend at least an hour constructing a beautiful Potty Training Chart (make sure you break out a ruler for more accurate lines and colorful markers for a more enticing look) for their reward stickers that you will only use twice because the twins will rip it off the wall, tear it into shreds with their Hulk-like rage and eat the stickers. (Bonus points if you can find the glittery giraffe in one of their diapers after this happens...)
3. Buy underwear and plastic training pants that will freak the twins out and they won't wear, ever because the plastic pants are awkward, bulky and noisy. And those stupid plastic pants don't actually contain the pee. Seriously, plastic pants- you have ONE job!
4. Buy Febreeze, scented candles, bleach, 409, Lysol, and maybe some glade air freshener spray when you notice that your entire house smells like the inside of an old port-a-potty, that was leftover from a soccer tournament in the middle of a sweltering July. You won't be the one to notice this smell either, you are far to used to it...it will be a good friend that comes over to visit that's nice enough to clue you in. (Or a not-so-nice family member that will bluntly tell you your house smells like poop.)
5. Download all the popular applications onto your very expensive iPad, thinking you are making good use of all this technology, then delete them after having horrible results after the twins both fight over who gets to touch the magical device. The only app that works for them is Disney Junior because your children will only sit on the potty if Sophia the First is playing. Over and over again. I'm surprised their legs aren't falling asleep....
6. Buy a bottle of wine.
7. Chill bottle of wine. (Use the freezer for quicker results. Or just pop in some ice cubes if your desperate.)
8. Get happy when your kids both pee in the potty. Give them each a cheerful high five, bust out a few stickers for their brand new chart, pass out candy like it's Halloween, do a little dance and sing a little tune. Throw a potty time parade in their honor, call up family members and post on Facebook to tell all how well things are going.
9. Start sobbing (and gently rocking back and forth), when not more than 5 minutes later, they are both soaking wet. Repeat #'s 8 and 9 over and over again with the same results.
10. Drink the entire bottle of wine after realizing that they aren't ready yet (or maybe, I'm just not ready yet...who cares), diapers aren't looking so bad anymore and you've eaten all the bribes.
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