Monday, October 1, 2012

Rules for the Restroom

My husband and I had a date on Saturday. We decided to head to Outback for some lunch before our movie started. (If you have a chance, Pitch Perfect is an awesome and funny movie!)

I had to use the public restroom for one very specific reason and it's most likely not what you're thinking. The only reason I'm going to share this with you, is because my specific rules for the restroom won't make sense otherwise. Plus, I'm good with sharing.

If you use the restroom, just to pee, it's not such a big deal. (Unless it's one of "those" when you start to wonder if there will ever be an end...."how much darn coffee did I drink anyway?")

It's when you have another issue. As women, we have many. (Watch it! I can hear your thoughts from here, Jalon!)

Like flatulence. A fart, that was built up so much in your stomach, that the thought of eating that delicious burger you ordered, makes your stomach cramp because you've been holding it in for so long.

For men, this may not be considered an issue. Not sure how things go down in the men's room.

So, I made my way to the restroom to relieve some "pressure".

There are 3 stalls in this restroom. 2 were taken already.

By sitters.

What's a sitter?

A sitter is one that has planted themselves in a stall and will not do anything, but pretend to be invisible, until everyone else in the room is gone. Then she can release or do whatever it was she was doing before we intruded on her silence.

I'm assuming this sitter may have had the same issue I had, but beat me to it. I sat there for awhile, hoping to become the new sitter, but she wouldn't budge.

She was a tough one. Not sure if she was knitting a sweater or playing on Facebook, but I had food waiting. "You've won this round, but I'll be back." I hiked up my drawers, washed my hands and went back to my table. Cramping stomach and all.

My husband thought I was crazy for not just "letting it go". I can't. I seriously just can't. Sometimes my bowels won't feel the same and I don't get a choice, but I was going to win this battle of holding out and decided just to wait until I've trapped us in the truck.

I created some rules for future designers of restrooms. If you have the option to pick out what would work and what wouldn't work, please pay attention to what I'm about to say here.

1. Make the stalls from the floor to the ceiling. I don't want to see someone else's feet when I'm doing my "duty". There's just something weird about knowing we're inches away from each other using a toilet. On a side note, girls, if there are more than 2 stalls, please, PLEASE pick the one that's the furthest away from the one I'm in. Not a difficult concept to understand and follow here. You would think that this was an impossible physics problem...just pick a different stall, lady.

2. When you are creating the stalls, please be aware of where you place "gaps". Awkward places are by the door latch right in front of my crotch. There are things we may not mean to look at but you do...and we need less awkward and more privacy. If there are kids around, this can get even more awkward. Kids are peepers. They don't believe in boundaries or personal space.

3. On that note, please make a separate bathroom for children. Low toilets, pee guards, low sinks and lots of soap. Maybe some extra paper towels...

4. A "personal product" container that doesn't creek open, get stuck or get nasty. It's bad enough we have to take care of business in a public facility, please make it a little easier on us. Make it a direct line to a garbage so it doesn't overflow and spill out. Maybe a vacuum chute...similar to the kind at the bank. *Shoomp* "Personal Product discarded, thank you!"

5. Make the rooms "echo" free. Not sure how you will accomplish this, but if people can figure out that cheese curds + deep fry = amazing, then I'm pretty sure this can be done. Pad them. Anything to prevent the sound off from echoing off the walls when one toot accidentally squeaks by unexpectedly. It happens. Every time I'm in public and all the stalls are full, it happens.

6. ^^ Which is why I'm scared to poop in public. My husband can "release the hounds" wherever we happen to be. (And whenever. Our kids also share this special skill. It's awesome.) I, however, need full out privacy behind a locked door and a book. Unfortunately, I don't always have this option, so I end up having to roll with it. Please, make the stalls private. With REAL door locks and it's own little room.

7. ^^ On that note, I would like to toss in some air freshener spray, if not for me maybe for the girl that left a surprise for me to flush. (Thank you by the way. I needed some more poop in my day.)

8. Last thing. Please make the MAIN door to the restroom a no-touch-to-open kind of door. Like a foot pedal that would open it automatically. I've shared the restroom with a few "no washers" and it's enough to make me want to bathe in Purell.

I don't ask a seems fairly simple.

I'm sorry for all you "normal" people that may not be as free to share as I am. It's just how I roll. I'm a Mom. I just don't really care anymore. =) Plus, it involves all of us, so why not just go for it?

On another note, I've purchased 4 bags of Halloween candy because I was decorating for Halloween and got in the mood to celebrate. It's my favorite, mostly because of costumes and candy.

I told myself (and my husband) that these are the LAST bags we purchase and devour before Halloween arrives. Last year we must of had over 42 lbs of candy to eat. We shall see if I can stick to this's a test that I'm pretty sure I can't pass.

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