The Gym is a Torture Chamber in Disguise.

Day 1 of my "new" schedule.

"New" because I've added some gym time to it. We signed up for the YMCA and it offers daycare services! Woo-hoo.

I figured I could squeeze in an hour of gym time during my morning schedule, since I usually spend it reading, watching Doctor Who episodes or just general slacking off.

I thought, "Hey, this will be easy. An hour of gym time? Sure thing, let's do it!"

I decided to leave the house at 9:30, putting us at the gym around 9:45, allowing me time to drop off the kids, change my shoes and start running from 10-10:30, maybe toss in some weights and sit-ups from 10:30-11, grab the kids and be home by 11:30 for lunchtime. Sounds just about perfect, doesn't it?

Sounds completely opposite of how my life usually runs.

Which is why I shouldn't be surprised that my day actually went something like this instead:

9:00 a.m.- Decide I should start getting ready. Look up from Doctor Who and realize that kids are already dressed and since it only takes me 10 minutes to get dressed (prepped clothes night before for today) I could finish the last 10 minutes of my show.

9:15- Ok. I should get started now. Run to my room, toss on clothes, realize I should be starting the car, since it's 5 degrees outside and I'm wearing short pants.

9:20- Start car with remote start. I have 10 minutes before that shuts down automatically. Perfect timing...right?

9:21- Cell phone is ready and charged...but where are my headphones so I can listen to music? I can't run without music. Where are they? My husband charged the bluetooth ones last night, so they should be ready to go.

9:28- WHY CAN'T I GET THESE STUPID BLUETOOTH THINGS TO WORK! TWO BLUETOOTH DEVICES AND NOT ONE OF THEM IS WORKING FOR ME! SCREW IT. WHERE ARE MY OTHER HEADPHONES?!?!?!

9:35- Found 2 sets of normal headphones...finally. One set has a dead earpiece. Why do I still have these? Oh...for this moment, when I'm so desperate I may not have a choice. The other set is in a HUGE knot. Which one do I want to take?

9:40-De-tangled the knot, start getting kids ready to head out. Shoes, hats, gloves, jackets...one of them smells really, really, really bad. Of course I have to change a poopy diaper.

9:45- All changed and ready to head out. But now the car is off and freezing. Awesome.

10:00- Arrive at the gym and get in line to drop off kids. Yes, there's a line. And a million kids running around that place like they feed them crack crushed up in goldfishes. The ones that aren't running around are standing at the door, staring at me with tears in their eyes. Nice. Try to stamp down all those guilty-mom feelings that start to come up about now.

10:02- Get told my kids need wristbands to get inside. I have to leave the line to find the wristband station and try to put them on my kids. Morgan flips out and is trying to rip hers off. Declan is the only one that succeeds in this. I put hearts on hers in an attempt to convince her that this is a pretty bracelet. The look on her face tells me she's not buying the crap I'm selling. Too bad.

10:05-After another dance in line, I shove them through the door. Both decide it's safer to hold hands. They glance back at me with the most pathetic looks on their faces as if to tell me "Seriously? You're leaving us without a single weapon to defend ourselves? Crappy Mom alert." Mom guilt takes over for about 10 seconds until I realize that they know me better than I know me and since not one kid is wielding an axe or missing limbs, I decide it's perfectly safe and I get the heck out of there before I change my mind and keep this belly flab.

10:10- I find myself in the women's locker room, hunting for a random, dingy locker to put my street shoes and jacket. Find an open one in the corner. Worst idea ever. Corner lockers are the worst location. Everyone gathers in the corner. DON'T GO TO THE CORNER. But I'm stupid and to the corner I go.

10:12- Head upstairs where the track is and get my cell phone ready. Looking around, I realize that this gym is FULL. There are people all over the place. I thought 10 a.m. would be a little more calm, since I assumed most people worked. Wrong. It was insane.

10:25- I run for a mile. After that I quit. Hardest mile I've had to run. Not because I'm that out of shape (ok, a little because I'm out of shape) but because of the obstacle course that was set up as a distraction. Older people with walkers on the right hand side but sometimes tend to stray towards the middle. A Mommy club, complete with baby carriers using this as a gossip station rather than an actual track and not paying attention to how much room they are actually taking up. I had to weave through their course several times. A guy was sitting on the track so he could text on his cell phone. Must have been SUPER important. One girl decided that it would be grand to do sit-ups directly in the middle of the track. Turns out I CAN do hurtles. Another couple walked right in front of me, too busy talking to realize that the track is usually meant for exercise. Screw it. It's amazing that I actually made it to a mile with all that I had to get around.

10:45- Trying out an elliptical machine. It has TV on it. And a built in fan. Glamorous.

11:00- Whew. Time to get out of here.

11:10- Still waiting to get to my locker. Some woman in the same corner decided to remove ALL her clothing and has to spend the next 5 minutes lacing up her combat boots. After all the waiting, I realize that I have the wrong corner locker. Nice.

11:12- Find my kids in hell. Morgan is wandering around, as if lost, with tears in her eyes. Apparently she just kept saying "scissors" because she wanted her wristband off. She should have asked Declan because his was missing. Declan didn't even care that I came back. They had to pull him away from the train table.

11:15- Head out the door and start walking to our car, that has to be a mile away from us, and a car starts to slowly follow us down the row. I freak out a little as it keeps following us, so slowly. I realize he's going to follow me to my parking spot. I look down the way and 5 cars down from me are 3 open spots. Wow. You came to the gym to work out but can't walk the extra 10 feet? Seriously.

11:25- Finally in my car, ready to head home. I took my time because of the creep following me. I buckled the kids in all slow, hooked up my cell phone to my radio, blew my nose, scraped the windshield...but there he sat. If he had parked in one of the MANY other spots, he could have been done with his workout by the time I left that spot. Not exactly the nicest thing I've ever done, but after that workout, I wasn't in the best place.

That was fun.

Can't wait to repeat this tomorrow...and the next day. And the next. And the one after that...

I must be crazy.