Monday, January 21, 2013

Want to disappoint your family with gross recipes? Click here!

I invited my family over to my house for a Potluck style dinner on Saturday night.

Except, each person was to attempt a new recipe so I could blog about it here.

Worst idea ever. Or maybe we just make bad food choices.

Either way, the night ended with us being very hungry and there were a few cranky kids that I had to stuff full with Swiss Cake Rolls to make the night better again.

I will include links, in case your stupid and haven't learned anything from this post at all...but hey, what do I know? Maybe you like to eat dinner that tastes like we made it with our feet. I'm not here to judge.

OK. Honestly, not all of it was BAD. It was edible. Some of it even tasted good. But some of it should be removed from the Internet forever to save the rest of the world from having to taste this.

I'm going to start with my sister's recipe.
Aunt Annie's Soft Pretzels

Here's how hers turned out:
She said they were a pain in the ass to roll out, so I'm giving her credit for making them edible.
Even though I told her they look like poop logs.
I'm sorry I'm your sister Jessie.
These tasted DELICIOUS!
She brought some yummy white cheese sauce to dip them in.
Soooooo good.
This is one recipe we ALL recommend you give a shot.
But be prepared for the dough to give you trouble.
My Mom went overboard. As usual. She brought a TON of food. One recipe was for the kids and since I can't post the recipe, I'm not going to get into it too much. But they liked it. Except for Declan. That kid doesn't eat anything.
This is all Declan did.
Since you can't hear a picture, just imagine lots and lots of whining.
I'm sure you can see by his face that he wasn't thrilled with us.
One of her recipes was this:
Calico Beans
I was leary...because butter beans.
I. Hate. Butter. Beans.
I wish they would vanish.
Giant beans.
Can't be good for your bowels.
BUT, I gave it a shot.
Because I'm a good daughter and I had to be honest when writing about it.
They weren't bad tasting.
As far as beans go.
Not the best my Mom has done (she makes some yummy beans!), but these weren't bad.
The other recipe she made:
Almost White Castle Hamburgers
I was terrified.
I hate White Castle.
I know, now you're thinking, "She hates EVERYTHING! We can't trust her!"
Oh shuddup.
You sound like my husband.
I didn't get fluffy because I hate everything.
I tried them.
They were very "onion-y".
Not sure if that even qualifies as a word, but it's my blog, my rules.
The pickle my Mom added helped me get mine down.
Not terrible.
However, I would not make these again.
I guess if you like White Castle, these would be great.
I was not impressed.
Now you're probably wondering what I made that was so much better.
It wasn't.
It was worse.
I did "Funeral Sandwiches".
In name and in taste.
So soggy!
I'm not sure what I did wrong, but I was disappointed.
However, my Dad and husband LOVED them.
Pretty sure it shouldn't count since they are both garbage disposals.
I wanted these to work so badly.
Turns out the ham tastes delicious in the marinade though.
So there's that.
The second thing that I made was dessert.
Badly timed dessert.
Because I have skills.
No picture here.
Because we ate the crap out of it.
At 9:15 p.m.
I wanted to eat it around 6 p.m.
But I'm really, really, really bad at time management. Obviously.
By the way...if you make this pie, please, PLEASE make the whipped cream.
Don't think, "Hey, it's just lemon pie. Who needs whipped cream?"
Turns out, you do. Badly.
It was SO DAMN TART my lips are permanently fused together in a pucker.
I couldn't chew it.
Everyone (except my sister who loves her lemons really tart) was having slight issues chewing it.
It was as if I was sucking on a whole lemon.
Or, remember when you put something super sour in your mouth on a dare? 
It was like that, only this time, you can't take it out no matter how badly you want to.
Because it's pie and that's just gross.
I thought I was clever when I tossed in a little lemon peel into the crust to add "more flavor".
Sorry for my cursing.
But sometimes, I'm really dumb and deserve it.
So Saturday night was kind of a bust.
The only thing that saved it was a round of Cards Against Humanity.
If you haven't tried it and are partially evil (with funny/evil friends that happen to have a sense of humor), download this baby.
Good luck.


  1. Uh, it helps avoid disasters like the pie to taste the filling before you bake. Then if it's too tart you add sugar. It's the most basic rule of cooking-- taste before you call it done. Sure it has a little raw egg, but can you honestly tell me you've never eaten cookie dough? And. . . are you sure you used sweetened condensed milk and not evaporated milk? Because that stuff is so damn sweet I can't imagine the pie being too tart with 2 cans of it in there.

    1. I, uh, get that tasting is helpful. The point of my "exercise" above was to create the recipes EXACTLY as written. And yes, I did use SWEETENED condensed milk. I may not be the best person to have in the kitchen, but my reading skills are perfectly fine.

      Not quite sure your intentions on leaving such a rude comment here, but I'm assuming you felt brave as you left it anonymous. It's ok. I get it.

      This is my first rude comment, so I finally get to feel like a "real" blogger! Thank you! =)

    2. Uhhh....who would EVER apply the most basic rule of 'COOKING' to 'BAKING'?! ;)


I LOVE comments...except bad ones. You can keep the bad ones. Or maybe disguise them as nice ones. I know people that are really good at that.