Tuesday, April 24, 2012

One of THOSE days....

Decided to make a quick trip to Kohl's so I could pick up a bra. Exciting stuff...I know. I knew exactly what I wanted, what size and wasn't going to even try it on. (Never, ever, go into a dressing room with 3 kids to try on a bra. Worst idea ever...unless you want everyone in hearing distance to know exactly what your doing and how you have "boobies".)

I pick Evan up from school, drive to Kohl's with all 3 kids and brief them on how quick this trip will be. I keep hoping that we will be able to go into a store without anyone throwing a fit, saying anything embarrassing or doing anything embarrassing.

I don't know why I bother.

After loading the twins up in my gigantic stroller and getting inside the store, Declan poops.

And it smells terrible.

But, I'm on a QUICK mission, so I continue on. We get to the bra section and Evan starts giggling and pointing while saying "Those are for boobies". Yes, this is already going so well.

I try to run through the aisles, but since I have the biggest stroller ever created, we knock down several bras that try to block our path. (I think they make the aisles too small and compact anyway. Knocking those bras down was an example of how they need to not cram so much crap in my way.)

Morgan and Declan start to grab them, pulling them off the racks. Evan is still giggling and starts to throw "boobies" at the twins.

I decide to leave the bra aisles, leave the stroller in the main aisle and just run in to grab the ones that look like what I want. I figure I can buy 3, try them on a home and take back whatever doesn't work/fit.

This takes me 5 minutes and as I start to walk up to the front, I realise that Declan has pulled his socks off and left them in the main aisle.

I start putting his socks on, while he kicks my face and giggles (smelling like an outhouse on a sweltering day in July). A woman that works there, laughs at their antics, and asks how things are going.

Seriously? "Just peachy..." I tell her and run before she realises that the bras scattering the section are from my Destructicon (stroller).

We get to the front to pay, only to be stuck behind a guy who has to buy the LAST two place mats in existence, so we have to wait 10 minutes for a price check. During these 10 minutes, people start moving away from us (I hope this was from the poop smell and nothing else....), Morgan and Declan both try to climb out of the stroller (I didn't buckle them in, thinking I'll only be a "few" minutes...), start crying because they can't get out, and Evan won't quiet down about being "sweaty and cold at the same time".

FINALLY we get to pay. You think the torture would be done, right?

HA! You don't know me at all! Someone (lets not start pointing fingers) left chocolate eggs in her purse from around Easter time and her purse was sitting in her nice warm car all day. So when she pulled her wallet, car keys and cell phone out, everything was coated in a thick, runny, poop-like substance.

It was a blast trying to explain that it was chocolate to the cashier while I handed her my card to pay. She really did NOT want to take that card...not that I blame her.

Wow. Couldn't get much better than this. Here's our conversation while I paid:

Evan: "Mommy, is that poop?"
Me: "NO! It's chocolate. I swear." I smile at the cashier while I say this.
The cashier is starting to look like she wishes she had a different job. Shoot, I wish I had a different job.
Evan: "That's so gross....it looks just like poop. I think I even smell poop. Why does it smell like poop? Kind of like peanut butter and poop mixed together. That's really gross Mommy. Your purse has poop inside and it made a mess." He starts to laugh now.
Me: "Time to go." As I wonder about mouth guards because teeth grinding may be my new hobby.

I get home, try on all the bras....not even one fits. Figures. I'm never going out again.

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