Define "Clean"...

OK, so if you are one of those Mom's that can manage to keep the house clean, keep children happy and healthy, make all the meals and still maintain your figure, go ahead and pat yourself on the back.

Then kick yourself in the butt for me and get off my blog. =) Just kidding...kind of.

I'm soooo not one of those Mom's. I'm just grateful that by the end of the day my house doesn't look like an episode of Hoarders, my kids aren't missing any vital pieces and I can still fit into sweatpants while pouring a bowl of cereal for dinner because I forgot to take the chicken out for dinner.

I am not a fan of cleaning. I love having a clean house, but since it doesn't stay that way long, it gets frustrating. I spend so much time cleaning my living room (3 times a day, have I mentioned that I love my kids?) that I never get a chance to actually dust or clean windows (who needs curtains when you have fingerprints and slobber?)

I even have one of those cleaning schedule things (screw you Pinterest).

It really only helps if you actually follow it. I have problems with authority and that schedule is so bossy.

I'm such a rebel. But now my house is a disaster.

I'm always embarrassed to have people over (never, ever, "surprise" me...you will be the one "surprised", if you make it out of here alive. Like I'm going to let you spread the word that I'm not the best Stay at Home Mom.)

I devised 3 levels of house "cleanliness" that have saved my untarnished Stay at Home Mom image and won't have me awake at 3 a.m. to start my cleaning process.

   Level 1 (use if you are planning a simple "play-date" or quick company visits): Stash all the crap covering floor and all flat surfaces in available closets. If you are out of closet space, start using laundry baskets and hide them in the basement or a bedroom that you keep closed. Spray a THICK layer of Febreeze (My house tends to smell like poop, syrup and sweaty child). Vacuum quickly then have the kids go crazy on the floor so it doesn't "look" like you JUST vacuumed because people were coming. You want it to look like you vacuumed recently so people know you are a tidy mom (all about image and impressions here). Wipe down surfaces quickly using whatever you have on hand, a towel, blanket, old sock...doesn't matter. Just get the first layer of dust off the surfaces because you really haven't dusted since Christmas.

   Level 2 (for company that stays for a few days): Pretty much the same as above, but you may have to do the dishes and clean some bathrooms here. I know...sucks. There's always paper plates as an option or going out to eat a lot. That way, your kitchen always looks clean and tidy and no one has to eat your cooking (see cereal for dinner, mentioned above). Cleaning the bathroom sucks too. No matter how many times I clean that toilet, the second I put that darn brush down, someone is going to need to poop. I think Evan plans his day around it. I've even had him sit there by the door and wait for me to finish, JUST so he could poop. I know what his chore will be when he gets older...

   Level 3 (Use when your husband starts to mention his lack of clean clothes, there are ants forming an army on the carpet because someone threw a cracker under the couch or you missed a CD because it was hiding under the thick layer of dust on your entertainment center.) Now you actually have to clean and do the 8 loads of laundry you were saving for "tomorrow" (for me, "tomorrow" is never actually tomorrow...it's more like 5 days from now). Slap on some rubber gloves, get out the bucket that you have hidden in the closet and block out several hours, because this WILL take some time.

Ah...my secret is out. My image may officially be tarnished. Or maybe I never fooled anyone...