Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Adventures with a Filthy Five-year old (and other gross things)

I love Evan. I'm going to start out with that so you don't confuse love with disgust as this post continues on.

My son has a rare ability to gross me out. I am pretty familiar with boy behavior and it takes quite a bit to bother me. He must have an instruction book, because he nails it. Every. Single. Time.

**WARNING- If you are easily grossed out, please do not continue reading this post.**

I just put him to bed. He walks out of his room, smiling at me (the smiling concerns me immediately), and asks me to sniff his two fingers.

I'm a Mom. There's no way I'm doing that. "Why do you want me to sniff your fingers?"

"Because I was picking my butt and I think they smell like poop." Evan states, laughing.

My eyes open in horror and I wonder what I have done wrong in raising him to make these words come out of his mouth.

"Get out of here and go wash your hands right now." He wasn't laughing after that. I'm still trying to keep my cookies down.

So, this leads me into:

   Things I never thought I would have to say outloud. Ever.

"Get your tongue out of your nose." (To Evan when he had a runny nose, and yes, it can reach up there. I didn't name this the family "circus" because it's fun here.)

"Don't lick your brother and sister." (To Evan...ugh)

"Please don't ever wipe boogers on the wall." (To Evan and now Declan)

"Don't smack your brother in his privates." (To both my boys)

"Morgan, we don't eat poop!" (Seriously, I'm not getting paid NEARLY enough. Her breath smelled so bad I didn't even want to hold her.)

"Please take off my expensive high-heels" (I actually thought I would say this one day, to Morgan, when she was MUCH older. Not to my son Evan. Although, he can walk pretty well in them.)

I'm not going to continue here. It's not pretty. If you are about to give birth for the first time or have a young baby, please do not be afraid. Maybe you will get lucky and have normal kids.

Chances are slim. I'm beginning to believe that there's just no such thing.


  1. You are hilarious! I'm so glad we are friends. I was reading your newest post to my sister and we both were laughing out loud. Keep the laughs coming.

  2. You crack me up, my patients dont start till 10 today so I decide to read your blog, I am sitting at the nurses station laughing my butt off, fellow coworkers are looking at me like crazy..... all I can do is apply certain comments to my own children namely Sophia who also sticks her extremely long tongue into her nostrils to lick the snot.... yes she is gross and also thinks her boogers are a great snack, yes she eats them all the time GROSS! Thanks for your insightful fun filled life that I can laugh at and know my life isnt the only Circus that runs year round!


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