Friday, September 7, 2012

100th POSTING!!

This is my 100th POST on my blog!


Do I have anything vital to say?

Anything important for this gigantic, huge posting?


I do have something I created for fun though. Not serious, just funny to me.

Now that Evan is in school, all I have now is 2 2-year olds. Bleh. That's a lot of toddler running around. It's an adventure.

So I came up with some tips for those that may be in a similar boat with babies/toddlers, but unsure about how to arm yourselves properly. It takes training, not just military training, but years of training and experience to get to a skill level that I have achieved. Oh yes...I'm at a high skill level. How do I know this? Because I'm not in a jacket with little buckles and in a padded room yet. So far, so good.

Here's my training guide, created by me, just for you!

The Beginners Guide to Getting Through the Terrible Two's:

1. When they cry- don't go running. You will just encourage it. Trust me...they will come find you. How do I know this? I'm lazy. Plus, they will need somewhere to wipe the body fluids that are now running down their faces. They will then notice that you are wearing your last clean, presentable shirt and will have to wipe snot and tears all over it, which you won't notice until you are out in public later that day and wonder why everyone is staring at your shoulder area.

2. Don't bother feeding them anything that isn't on the Toddler-Approved Eating Chart. They will hand these out when they turn two. Follow it or face the consequences. Most loved foods- Corn dogs and Cheerios. Anything else is forbidden. If I try to put anything else on their plates, it will be hidden somewhere in the dark recesses of my kitchen table, left to mold and stink up my kitchen.

3. They will only poop in freshly changed diapers. Don't bother waiting to change them. You may know a poop is coming. Scary stuff when you can anticipate it. But the longer you wait, the longer they will hold it. You know it's going to happen. The second you change that darn diaper, they are going to find a corner and let it rip.

4. Be sure to have their favorite TV shows recorded at all times. If a tantrum is in full-blown mode, nothing else will cure it. Only long saved episode of Caillou, that you've already watched 25 times this week, will stop that shrill screaming. The second you even consider putting on Mickey Mouse, the tantrum will escalate into nuclear and the alarms will sound. There's nothing that will help you after this point. Unless you have Prozac. That will help you go away mentally for a bit.

5. Make no plans out loud. Ever. The second you say them out loud, the plotting shall begin. You want to have an enjoyable morning of finding garage sales? Well, they will puke all over your car, ruining your upholstery and your entire day. Just surprise everyone. It's easier that way. Your husband may have some objections to this, but eventually, he will get on board once he realizes the level of their plotting.

6. The grocery store is the ONLY store that the Toddlers can stand. Mostly because you're stocking up on more Cheerios and Corn dogs for them. But this may build your confidence up and you may even consider taking them to a REAL store to get some shopping done. WARNING- DO
NOT FALL FOR IT! Take them into Kohls, just one time, and they will shatter any images you created of shopping with charming, quiet children, and then make you fear ever going out in public again.

7. They are similar to dogs. If you have ever had a dog and said a word like "treat" or "outside", I'm sure you can picture the circles they would do or the whining/panting routine that would happen until you follow through with said action. Guess what? Those are my kids. Except the whining turns into screaming, followed by an extreme tantrum, if I don't follow through. Words to avoid in my house: treat, ranch, cookie, ice cream, outside, pizza, Caillou, juice, water, milk....this should cover the basics. And the ranch, it's as in ranch dressing. Morgan would drink ranch as a meal if I let her. My poor husband gags every time she spoons it up and eats it.

8. They are impossible to photograph unless you bribe them heavily or get them when they are too exhausted to move. You must have an expensive camera that has a sports function on it. Or else, it's just a blur or some fuzz.

9. You're better off never getting them dressed, unless you know FOR SURE that other humans may see them. If you dress them, you'll notice that the laundry pile multiplies rapidly because they will do everything in their power to destroy what they are wearing for the day. It may be a body fluid of some sort, food/juice, paint, or mud. They will find something. It's just not worth it. Keep your house at a nice 75 degrees and tell everyone that your on lock down for a year.

10. Watch what you say. This is the most important one. Read carefully. You are like a magic wizard. If you say the words out loud, the world will shift. You may feel it in the atmosphere, like static electricity. The lights may flicker just a bit and you'll feel a rumble under your feet. There may even be lightning or thunder to accentuate the words that come out your mouth. If you say something like "My kids have been sleeping through the night" or "We've had no tantrums lately", it's like you're asking for it. Those words should never be spoken. You may not even want to think them in your head. I'm scared just writing it on here. The second you say it, it's as if your asking the universe to screw up your whole world and now everyone will be up all night and then because their tired, they will tantrum all day long. Ok, I'm done talking about this one now. (I'm going to spend the rest of the day with my fingers crossed now.)

Ok. That's all I have for my 100TH POST!!!

Seriously, if you've stuck with me for 100 postings, you may be my best friend or family, but I love you. I can't believe I've stuck with this for that long. They may not be the best read you've ever had, but I'm having so much fun coming up with crap on here.

Thanks for sticking with me. =)

You're my hero.

1 comment:

  1. this makes me fear for my future.

    but in a good way, ahha.

    the only pooping in the clean diaper... I've heard that one before.... and I just KNOW it's going to drive me nuts.


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