Lately, being sick and overwhelmed with life in general, things have hit me much harder than they probably would have normally. News, about friends and family comes in and you just can't help but feel broken and sad.
I feel so confused about my next step in life. About where I should be headed and, if each direction I consider taking, is going to be the right one. This time of being home with my kids full time, is quickly coming to an end and a decision will need to be made about where I will be next. I never thought this job was one I would enjoy, but now that it's almost over, I am desperate to turn back time and not change a thing.
I constantly pray and ask God, "What next?"
It sometimes feels like God handed me a script of how to live my life, but left most of it blank.
He set the stage for my performance, gave me all I need to do this scene, but the rest is up to me. The audience is sitting there, in the dark, waiting and watching my next move. What if I fail? What if I mess up?
I have fears and darkness hidden in the corners of my head. I don't notice them too often, but when I'm sick, hurt or angry, they seem to come out on their own and overwhelm everything good I had.
Now, instead of walking down those paths with the confidence I should have, living my life with faith, those paths are filled with doubts and worry. The voice of doubt tells me, "You're doing this wrong. You have no idea what your doing. This idea is stupid. Everything you say is stupid. People are laughing at you. You have no friends. You are worth nothing."
I can get lost in those thoughts, believing them and wondering how true they are. When I get lost in those thoughts, close myself off from the world and hide. I don't sleep well, feel angry/crabby a lot and can't seem to finish a project. The house falls apart. Then I end up beating myself up even more and falling even deeper inside those thoughts. I loose my confidence and belief that there is some good out there.
Not going to happen.
I'm going to try something new, instead.
I'm going to find hope in today, instead of doubt.
I'm going to see the gift in today, instead of the negative.
You know why?
Because God has the script. The WHOLE script. He's working behind the scenes of my life.
I don't get to see that part. But he's there.
Testing my faith and willingness to allow him to work behind the scenes. Instead of closing myself in, I'm going to force myself out there. Instead of listening to those voices, I'm going to counteract them with a new project. One I will actually finish!
We are going to do a Thanks Giving Tree. Ann Voskamp has this wonderful project on her site where you write down items that your thankful for on scripture leaves. I think it's just what I need right now.
Here's a link, if your interested in participating as well: http://www.aholyexperience.com/2014/11/why-thanksgiving-is-radically-subversive-and-everything-you-need-to-have-the-best-thanksgiving-yet/
And I get to share it with my family. I'm not setting up a certain goal, I'm not putting pressure on us, but I want us to be intentional with our family time and take 15 minutes, each day, to share our thankfulness with each other. That way, we can start each day with good. My hope is that all our good will overwhelm the negative that works its way in. God tests our faith for him. I'm thinking that all this is just a test for me.
I need to constantly remind myself to remain faithful. That even though I can't see the whole play, God is working behind the scenes of my life.