Thursday, May 2, 2013

Dive On In! The Clutter Feels Wonderful!

Day 2- Educate us on something you know a lot about or are good at.

Impossible. I'm so wonderful at so many things I just don't know where to start....

Here are some tips I have on How to Become a Hoarder.

It's surprisingly easy to master this gift in just a few simple steps. My husband and I are finally 1 step away from the family intervention and our own TV show. Since I know it's worked so well for us, I just knew I had to share. Can't hog all the wonderful knowledge.

Step 1: Find a good storage area in your home. Eventually, this will be the entire house, but you need to start somewhere conspicuous as to not raise questions too early. You don't want the intervention to arrive before you've had a chance to gather as much crap as possible. A tip: I use my basement right now. The clutter has been collecting dust, spiders and centipedes for so long now that you can't help but be disgusted by it all. Also, the basement comes in handy because we can easily keep people away from it by telling them "That's where we keep the bodies."

My crafting station.
My husband keeps asking when I'm going to tidy up.
This is tidy.

Step 2: Start collecting random objects. This may take a few years to accumulate. It will go faster if you let other people know you will take in their old crap. No more throwing away "good" stuff. You never know when you'll need that peanut butter jar, but you better save it. If you are asked why you are keeping said item, here are some valid responses that have worked well for me:
     a. "I could craft with this."
     b. "I recycle everything at my house."
     c. "I love to decorate with old junk- if my kids ruin it, I won't feel as bad."
     d. "I need this. It's mine. Back off."

My husband was going to throw these car parts away!
I stored them in the basement.
I could craft with these...

Step 3: Organize the clutter into sections marked, "Why are we keeping this?", "Future Garage Sales That Will Probably Never Happen" and "I Seriously Do Plan On Crafting With This One Day". Don't worry. These sections don't actually mean anything. The sections are just here in case someone gets curious about your "bodies" and investigates. They shall be foiled...for now.

This is my basement.
Organized so nicely into "Garage Sale" and "Future Craft Project"

Step 4: Avoid arguments about cleaning. During the Organizing Session, when arguments arise with your spouse (mostly about why we are keeping 50 peanut butter jars or why we have garbage bags filled with old towels), just point fingers of blame, start yelling random statements about how we're trying to save the Earth and then suggest a break and distract person with a treat. That's the end of going into the basement again for a bit. Out of sight, out of mind and stuff will remain there for YEARS. Score!

Step 5: The Final Addition to the Clutter. When you know it's getting close to family intervention time, (due to things like, "I'm feeling itchy", getting served Divorce papers, you can't open any doors or see the floor, or people start to complain of the smell and you can no longer blame your children), then it's time to bring in the animals. Most would suggest cats. They are so darn cute and you can craft with the cat hair! Bonus Hoarding Level reached! But I'm sure rats would give the same results without feeling over bad about finding them squished under a box somewhere (did I cross a line with that one?). If there's an intervention coming, you need to be sure that it's good enough to get that TV show out here. Or else what's the point? I want my 15 minutes of fame, just like everyone else, and I love to make others gag and gasp in revulsion.

Now, I'm going back to not seeing my basement until our "garage sale" that's supposed to happen in June.


  1. OMG! I so enjoyed this post although it was the complete opposite of mine! :D

    My parents are complete hoarders! We have a double garage and only one car, so everything else goes into the other garage! :p

    Sasha D

  2. Collecting things is a dangerous game. I go on binges where I craft ONE thing that I like, and feel the need to go out and get supplies to craft ten more of those things.

    I never end up crafting those things. I have about eight jars of modge podge in various places around my house. :)

  3. hahaha. i loved this! im notorious for thinking ill make something, get supplies and leave them wherever!
    thank you for stopping over!
    youre a no reply blogger so i couldnt reply to you via email :(
    the snow here in MN is a total fail!

  4. Haha it sounds like you really are an expert on the subject. I'll be sure to save this for future reference for when I want to become a hoarder myself :p

  5. Oh this was so funny...maybe because it hit too close to home!! haha! Except my husband does not allow my hoarding tendencies any more...because I NEVER ever make that craft project and he can not stand clutter! I'd be one mess of a person (a crazy cat lady) without that husband of mine! Also, thanks for stopping by my blog, so I could hop over and find yours!...just a read a few of your posts, and will be back for more daily doses of humor (sarcasm is my favorite language).
    Eva @ Snappee Turtle

  6. So funny and sooo familiar. I come from a long line of crafters. Seriously, you can craft with ANYTHING! I get it.

    Remember a minute ago when I commented on yesterday's post and said I couldn't wait to read tomorrow's. I thought it was yesterday the whole time. I've been doing that all week. I can't for the life of me keep my days straight.

    1. That's funny! Sounds a lot like me =).

  7. Ha ha ha :)
    Loved every step and every word you've written. Believe me when I say I am with you on this :D

    1. Thanks! And I'm relieved to hear I'm not the only one.

  8. Oh my gosh, I laughed so hard. You're so funny.


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