Impossible. I'm so wonderful at so many things I just don't know where to start....
Here are some tips I have on How to Become a Hoarder.
It's surprisingly easy to master this gift in just a few simple steps. My husband and I are finally 1 step away from the family intervention and our own TV show. Since I know it's worked so well for us, I just knew I had to share. Can't hog all the wonderful knowledge.
Step 1: Find a good storage area in your home. Eventually, this will be the entire house, but you need to start somewhere conspicuous as to not raise questions too early. You don't want the intervention to arrive before you've had a chance to gather as much crap as possible. A tip: I use my basement right now. The clutter has been collecting dust, spiders and centipedes for so long now that you can't help but be disgusted by it all. Also, the basement comes in handy because we can easily keep people away from it by telling them "That's where we keep the bodies."
My crafting station.
My husband keeps asking when I'm going to tidy up.
This is tidy.
Step 2: Start collecting random objects. This may take a few years to accumulate. It will go faster if you let other people know you will take in their old crap. No more throwing away "good" stuff. You never know when you'll need that peanut butter jar, but you better save it. If you are asked why you are keeping said item, here are some valid responses that have worked well for me:
a. "I could craft with this."
b. "I recycle everything at my house."
c. "I love to decorate with old junk- if my kids ruin it, I won't feel as bad."
d. "I need this. It's mine. Back off."
My husband was going to throw these car parts away!
I stored them in the basement.
I could craft with these...
Step 3: Organize the clutter into sections marked, "Why are we keeping this?", "Future Garage Sales That Will Probably Never Happen" and "I Seriously Do Plan On Crafting With This One Day". Don't worry. These sections don't actually mean anything. The sections are just here in case someone gets curious about your "bodies" and investigates. They shall be foiled...for now.
This is my basement.
Organized so nicely into "Garage Sale" and "Future Craft Project"
Step 4: Avoid arguments about cleaning. During the Organizing Session, when arguments arise with your spouse (mostly about why we are keeping 50 peanut butter jars or why we have garbage bags filled with old towels), just point fingers of blame, start yelling random statements about how we're trying to save the Earth and then suggest a break and distract person with a treat. That's the end of going into the basement again for a bit. Out of sight, out of mind and stuff will remain there for YEARS. Score!
Step 5: The Final Addition to the Clutter. When you know it's getting close to family intervention time, (due to things like, "I'm feeling itchy", getting served Divorce papers, you can't open any doors or see the floor, or people start to complain of the smell and you can no longer blame your children), then it's time to bring in the animals. Most would suggest cats. They are so darn cute and you can craft with the cat hair! Bonus Hoarding Level reached! But I'm sure rats would give the same results without feeling over bad about finding them squished under a box somewhere (did I cross a line with that one?). If there's an intervention coming, you need to be sure that it's good enough to get that TV show out here. Or else what's the point? I want my 15 minutes of fame, just like everyone else, and I love to make others gag and gasp in revulsion.
Now, I'm going back to not seeing my basement until our "garage sale" that's supposed to happen in June.