Wednesday, May 8, 2013

A Piece of Advice

Today is "A piece of advice you have for others".

I have lots of advice. Like, not traveling to the middle of the desert when you know you have bathroom issues. Or, if you are going to squish a wasp, make sure you either get it good or learn to run for your life. Those things hurt.

Here are some more, I learned more recently:

1. If you are going to "fix-up" your backyard, don't share your ideas with your spouse. Just do it and hope they don't get mad. You start running all your plans by your loved one and pretty soon, it's a war. Why? Because, why not?

2. When doing your laundry, make sure to sift through it all before washing. Kids like to hide dirty diapers inside the laundry basket. Wash one diaper and that laundry will never come clean again.

3. The best way to kill a spider is with Lysol and a vacuum cleaner.

4. The best way to kill a giant centipede is to set fire to your house and just start over.

5. Sure fire way to get your kid to throw a giant fit in the middle of the store is to just say no. He will do that one scream, (the one scream you know he does on purpose just because it really, really makes you mad. It's also the one that triggers a headache and makes you consider just leaving him where he is, while you run away and pretend you have no idea who he is.) until you buckle the seat belt in the car.

6. Don't ever do this to someone else:

    I was walking Declan and Morgan in our jogging stroller to pick up Evan from school. We arrived a few minutes early and decided to play on the tiny playground that sits near the front door. While they were playing, another parent decides to let their child play with mine. Now, due to the laws of normal social customs, we are supposed to communicate. I hate this part. I get so nervous. I'm going to say something wrong...

   She starts out by asking how old my twins are. I tell her they are almost 3. She tells me her son will be attending the pre-k program next year and how they almost would be attending together. Darn. Then she asks me who I was waiting for and how old. I say, "My son Evan is in Kindergarten." She looked surprised and said, "Wow! He's so young. You must have had him and had it so nice for a little while, then this happened." When she said this, she waved at my twins like they were a disease. I just sat there in a numb silence for a few seconds just to process what she meant by that.

   Nothing good, I'm assuming, which is why I WISH my answer went like this, "I just had a set of twins purely to enjoy all the wonderful, rude comments that would come my way. I was betting you were going to ask if they were identical, but this took a different twist. Now I have something to write about. Thank you!" I didn't have an answer. Which is what happens when I'm too stunned to actually think of something sarcastic to say. I really hate it when that happens. Although, it's probably better this way as I'm sure playground brawls are still frowned upon.


  1. I hope you don't mind, but I want to address your blog point by point. I had a comment for each piece of advice! :) It could be a wee long, but here goes!

    1. You're totally right. Why DOES it need to turn to war? My mother in law has given me this advice for tossing things as well.

    2. While I haven't washed a poopy diaper, I HAVE washed several peed in or totally unused diapers. It sucks, especially in the dryer. I rarely discover it until that point.

    3. While I love your method, I totally catch the damn things and put them back outside. Don't ask. I don't know why.

    4. Yes. Centipedes are of the devil and should be burnt regardless of loss of property.

    5. Grady was my screamer. Still is to a point. I dread saying no. I avoid taking him to the grocery store for big shopping trips. It's just too stressful. I sympathize deeply with you.

    6. Ignorant people, stupid people, they all piss me off. But ignorant, stupid people, they're the worst. I'm like you. While I love to talk to people on the playground, I'm like you in the respect that after they say something monumentally ignorant or stupid, I have no sarcastic retort until later in the day. Mostly because I'm like you. I have been stunned into silence.

    Love this post. Great advice. Especially to people talking to others who have twins, or other multiples.

  2. Haha! Thanks! I never, ever take Declan out, unless it's a quick trip and I know I won't be too long. I wish I was one of those people that had a quick retort right when it was said to me. But it never seems to happen that way!

  3. good lord. i almost think not having a retort but just staring at this woman was probably the best answer. because then you don't seem like a snarky jerk, and she feels horrible and knows that what she said was wrong. but then, i'm guessing if she was dim enough to say it in the first place, she didn't take the silence cue.

    1. I'm guessing she didn't get it at all. For me, it was awkward, for her, probably normal.

  4. I have the same affliction as you, being unable to come up with retorts on the fly. Probably a good thing, because the first one that came to mind in this instance was, "And you're husband had it so nice until this (pointing to her) happened."
    As for the spiders and centipedes, those I don't mind. It's the mice that make me want to burn the house down.

    1. That's hilarious! I agree, I wish I had something snarky to say to her then.

  5. Ah, I dread the "socially dictated" conversation with random parents at events. It would help out if everyone watched Doctor Who or knew about fantasy motifs...then I'd have a comfortable starting place. As it is, it's always an awkward conversation about kids.

    Also, I come up with the BEST responses to all types of things way after the conversation. But never in the moment. Isn't that one of the most frustrating traits ever? I lay awake at night having conversations with people and thinking, "So THERE!"

    1. Ah, Doctor Who. Yes, that would make conversation much easier. I hate trying to come up with something to say. Give me some random topics at the beginning, if I can't talk about any of them, I'm just walking away.

  6. I just did number 1 last week! I put in a veggie garden. This involved ripping up large amounts of sod in the backyard. The husband didn't care cause all he saw was the end product but he would have shit a brick had he seen it in the process...

    Thanks for the advice on the diaper situation. That hasn't happened...yet. I am glad to be warned about it!

    1. I'm going to have to try that next time so I can avoid the battle over what I was trying to do. I just wanted to decorate a little. He gets nervous when I play on Pinterest.

  7. Ha ha ha !! Loved all your tidbits, will definitely keep 'em in mind :P

  8. I LAUGHED when you said "don't tell your spouse". So. True. In every case. Laundry, hanging pictures... just about everything.

    Also, you are a no-reply blogger so I didn't get to e-mail you back to thank you for your comment on my post. Anger really is such a heavy weight.

  9. I came by as you commented on my blog! I totally agree with you on the centipede thing! A months back I brought up some laundry from the basement and got a pair of underwear out. I had both legs in the holes, and looked down and there was a centipede in the crotch!!!! I think my scream was heard three blocks away!

    I wish my husband would make his "upgrades" without involving me!!! I spent entirely too many hours this past weekend holding and handing tools, running up and down the stairs to turn the house power on and off etc!!


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