Tuesday, February 19, 2013

February, please go away, forever.

This month has been horrible. If this is what 2013 is going to look like, I'm going to need a fast-forward button. Stat.

I do believe I shared the fact that my Grandfather passed away at the beginning of the month. Then the kids got the stomach flu. We just found out that my Grandmother passed away yesterday and then last night was my turn for the stomach bug.

Seriously. February, I'm done with you. You and your Valentines Day can just go away. We are no longer friends.

I have quite a few posts that are rattling around in my noggin that I've been wanting to post for awhile, but with all that's been going on, I'm just glad to be moving around and not crying in the bathroom (again).

When I'm sad, sick or just depressed, I pray. And after I pray, I turn to humor. If I can make myself laugh instead of cry, then I win.

So here's my attempt at being funny: (It may be a sad attempt, but it's all I have on such short notice)

Top 10 signs you need to clean your house more often:

1. When you sweep the kitchen, you find food you don't remember cooking.

"Is that steak? We haven't had steak since last summer. And I'm pretty sure those jelly beans are from LAST Easter. I bet those are still good..."

2. You forgot what color your carpet was.

"Our carpet isn't THAT dirty." -moves couch- "Hurry! Call the carpet cleaners now, we are living in a swamp of our own filth and squalor. I'm not walking on our floor without shoes on anymore."

3. The dust on your bedside table starts moving.

"Mommy, can we keep it? I'm going to name it fluffy. I've always wanted a pet."

4. The top of your fridge is so full of clutter that you are risking your life everytime you open or close a door.

"I do NEED it all! Just don't go slamming the doors and everything will be fine. It's all perfectly balanced. If it falls, just make sure you run because I think I hid some scissors up there."

5. There's a dead spider on your bathroom wall that was squished so long ago that's it's part of the paint now.

"As long as it's dead, I don't really care. Leave it as a warning to other spiders that dare attempt to cross me."

6. The kids no longer recognize their rooms after I clean them.

"Mom? Where am I and where's all my top secret landmines I strategically placed to trip up trespassers?" Ok...he didn't say this, but I'm pretty sure he wanted to.

7. The laundry pile reproduces on it's own and, before you know it, is overflowing to the point where you fear for your life every time you walk downstairs.

"I can't do the laundry. The pile toppled over, then spiders moved in and now they have an alarm system so when I touch it, they jump out and attack me. If you want your socks cleaned, I need you to shake every piece out for me. I promise that this won't happen again...today."

8. Your living room light is getting dimmer and dimmer and it has nothing to do with the light bulb.

"And that up there"- points to light- "is our bug collection. We have been working on it for years now. The dust is preserving them perfectly."

9. Magical clumps of dust fall on you in bed and you wonder if the house is caving in, until you turn off your ceiling fan.

"Wow. The large clumps of dust are hanging on to the ceiling fan with fingers, just waiting for the perfect moment to attack us in our sleep. Just turn the fan back on and then we don't have to look at it."

10. While vacuuming, you are still trying to get all the pine needles from the real Christmas tree you had...in 2010.

"It's my vacuum. It sucks. And I don't mean literally. There's no way my lack of cleaning skills are to blame."

1 comment:

  1. Whew. Feb did kind of come in like a ton of bricks. Good luck with the ceiling fan dust ninjas. Sleep with one eye open and such. But then, you don't see ninjas coming.


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