Epic Nightmares

I'm 33 years old and still have some pretty awesome nightmares.

Sometimes, they involve gore, murder, ghosts, creepy monsters or stalkers. (I happen to have a great imagination.)

Sounds pretty scary right?

Nothing has scared me as much as the ones I've had the past two nights.

 

It's the same nightmare. On repeat. I think I'm going crazy.

Want me to describe it to you?

 

*Warning* This is an actual dream scenario I'm describing to you. I'm just giving you a heads up, in case you scare easily.

 

It's Halloween Night.

We are preparing to go Trick-or-Treating.

When suddenly, I realize, we have NO COSTUMES!!!

I panic, running around the house, screaming at my husband to help me. I NEED to find costumes. How did I forget? How did we get this far in the month already?! Was I in a coma and woke up on Halloween night?

If we don't have costumes, there will be no trick-or-treating. You know what that means?

 

*gasp*

 

NO CANDY!

 

That's about the time I wake up, sweat soaked, checking my cell phone for the date so I didn't actually miss Halloween.

Yup. That's my nightmare. Weird, huh?

 

Apparently, Halloween is stressing me out.

I have no idea why.

We already know what we're going as.

 

That's right- The Avengers!

Evan picked Ironman, Declan wants to be Captain America and Jalon is going, reluctantly, as the Hulk.

My daughter and I are arguing over who gets to be Black Widow.

Seriously, my hair is already red, I should win by default.

And, I have hips.

But my 4 year old is putting up quite the fight.

Maybe I can change her mind by convincing her that Elsa (from Frozen) is temporarily in The Avengers?

 

Meh. I might just have to settle for being Loki.

(My 4 year old can be quite tough when she wants to be...)

 

Random Musings

I couldn't pick just one thing to talk about today. So I'm picking a few minor things to discuss.

 

1.

I've invented the best device ever.

I will be a hero for coming up with this.

Get my autograph while you can, because I'm about to be famous.

 

It all started this morning when I bent my Swiffer Sweeper.

Almost broke it in half.

You might be wondering how the heck I managed to do that.

Well, I can tell you that it wasn't from my vigorous cleaning efforts.

(HAHA, so funny!)

 

I had a spider to kill and that was the nearest item I could find that would allow me to keep my distance and still kill the ferocious beast.

It worked well, minus the bent portion.

 

BUT, because my Swiffer is now bent, I had to come up with a solution that would allow this device to assist in the killing of insects AND still allow me to sweep the kitchen, when there are approximately 6 meals coating my floor:

Allow me to introduce the Swiffer Spider Killer:

(And yes, in case you were wondering, I was the original artist of this drawing.)

 

A. Comes with a poison sprayer to "stun" the spider into submission. Always start with this.

B. The Flat squisher, to destroy all movement of spider. Permanently. Run it over, repeatedly, until it's in pieces all over the floor.

C. The Vacuum/Incinerator chamber. I wanted to rid my house of the bug, without ever having to come in contact with it's many legs. This device, will not only suck it up, but burn it as well.

D. The magic button that will set the bugs on fire. Just in case they weren't "dead" enough.

Don't want any zombie bugs coming back to life...

Now, tell me, doesn't that sound like a household necessity?

I thought so.

 

2.

I went to Kohl's today.

(Sorry Jalon...let me explain first!)

I received a 30% off in the mail and, by LAW*, I am required to use it.

It was going to expire today so I thought I should make sure there was nothing I needed.

Well, it's a good thing I went!

I found a new pair of shoes for HALF OFF.

 

And, because I wouldn't be me without impulse purchases, I bought this:

He's stationed on our toilet.

He has a motion sensor that knows when you sit down to "go".

Then he either loudly talks or breaks out in song, thus scaring the actual poo out of the person.

And he has a clever way of using potty humor.

Who doesn't like potty humor?

Insane people, that's who.

 

I'm in love with him.

I'm slowly introducing Jalon to Halloween this year, by making super tiny purchases here and there.

He hasn't said much so far, but I'm willing to bet he won't be able to ignore this one.

 

Every single person in this house will hear when you sit down on the toilet.

I've gone 6 times in the past hour, just to hear him crack bathroom jokes.

Totally worth it.

I can't wait until Evan decides to pee in the middle of the night...

*insert evil mom laugh here*

 

*LAW- which is actually just the law I made up in my head to justify going shopping because I had a coupon and having a coupon makes it worth it, even though my husband tells me it's never worth it, unless it's free. Pretty sure he's joking. (Right?)

 

 

 



The Great Bake-Off

Every year, our Women's Group at church kicks off a year of meetings with a bake-off. I've always wanted to win. Well, who doesn't do something like this with the hopes of actually winning?

Some, go all out. Some of us, strive to just finish something that's edible.

I fall into both categories.

I practiced a special treat last week.

Hours of patience, practice and dedication went into this process. I even had taste testers determine the winner.

So professional looking, right?



We determined which one was the winner and I was ready to kick some bake-off butt!

Until I wasn't so ready...

Those are pumpkin donuts. I doubled the recipe, so that I would have enough.

Turns out, when you forget to add sugar, things taste nasty. But since I doubled the recipe, I should have had plenty, just add sugar to the rest and move on, right?

Soooooo wrong.

They look ok, right?

See that half eaten one?

This whole batch went into the trash once I realized it was really gross without sugar.

 

 

The other ones didn't set once I added sugar. Like pumpkin mush. Who knew? (If you knew, shut up. Seriously. That was rhetorical. Such a know-it-all...)

 

I ruined it. I had no more pumpkin in the house. 3 hours to bake up something wonderful, fast. I had no mixes, no secrets, just a bunch of gluten free flours and a few eggs.

 

So I had to invent a recipe on the go, while making dinner for my family at the same time. I started running around with my head cut off, screaming at the kids to keep their hands out of the sugar-free donuts, and telling my husband to help me make dinner. Jalon started getting mad at me for stressing out and waiting until the last minute to do this, BUT I DIDN'T WAIT, I JUST FAILED THE FIRST TIME!!

 

Here we go. Time to make something edible now. Competition over...just make something that tastes similar to food. I made a simple vanilla base cupcake, added a few spices in, similar to a Chai Tea.

 

Then for the frosting I went with browned butter, powered sugar, and cardamom spiced glaze. But it didn't look pretty enough, so I ground up pecans and rolled the cupcake in it for a nice topping.

 

They tasted good. I ate WAY too many and couldn't even look at them after that point, but at least I was able to bring something.

 

Turns out, I won 3rd place.

 

Sweet.

 

My kitchen, however, won't be winning awards ANY time soon.

 

Unless it's for the "Kitchen most likely to be infested with rats" award.

 

 

Don't judge me.

I'll get to it.

Eventually.

 

 



Time Not Well Spent

I recently discovered something interesting about myself.

I spend a LOT of time trying to find ways to spend less time on activities, rather than spend my time doing the actual activity.

Does that make sense?

I mean the sentence, not the action...

There are to-do lists all over my desk and calendars placed all over my house. I spend more time on creating those, perfecting them and making them work, rather than just doing the tasks I'm filling all these lists up with.

Like my to-do list to clean the house. Apparently, I need to find the best way to make a list on HOW I should clean, rather than just using that time to just DO the cleaning.

Here are some examples:

1. I made a dry erase board for cleaning the house. Took me a day to buy/create/hang. Did no actual cleaning that day. The dry erase board lasted a whole week and is now gone.

2. Purchased a wonderful daily cleaning chart online. Printed it out. Spent an afternoon at Target trying to find the perfect 3-ring binder for it. Never looked at it again. Pretty sure I still have it though, should I ever have enough interest to find it again.

3. There are several notebooks scattered around my house, full of Pinterest inspired cleaning charts, to-do lists and helpful hints...can't find one of these in the mess I've made.

On that note, now that all 3 of my children are in school, I have from 8:30-11:30, to do whatever I want.

Seriously, that's a looooooong time! I haven't been given a large amount of "free" time like that in awhile. Apparently I don't know how to use it properly.

There's so much I should be doing. Like, I should wash the dishes so that I can bake this afternoon. Or I should be doing the laundry, because my kids are complaining about wearing pajamas to school. And I should be working on this darn book so I can actually accomplish a major life goal of mine.

I have some good intentions at the start of the day. Like how I'm going to sit down, TV off, work on editing the book I wrote, catching up on email and maybe do some cleaning.

Instead, what happens is this:

1. Drop kids off at school. (10 mins)
2. Walk into nice quiet house. (2 seconds)
3. Shut door. (1 second)
4. Look around and marvel at how quiet it is. (2 entire minutes- just to be sure no one else is here.)
5. Squeal loudly and do happy dance in kitchen. (a full 5 minutes-I have great dance moves)
6. Grab coffee and sit at computer. (5 minutes.)
7. Find Facebook, Netflix and a random book I left on my desk. Easily distracted. Forget why I sat down here in the first place. (2 hours later....)
8. Crap! I wanted to clean! I had things to do! Nooooooo! (5 minutes)
9. Well, too late now...might as well finish this book...( last half hour of freedom)
10. Pick up kids and regret my morning decisions. (rest of the day)

I have issues.

But I'm great at making lists.

Fall Bomber's Moon Dance

 

Bomber's Moon is a term from WW2 that was used to define a very bright moon. Aircraft didn't have the equipment for precise targeting and would use the unusually bright moon to help guide them for night bombing raids.

The Fall Bomber's Moon Dance, didn't require the dropping of bombs, unless we're talking about the ones I made on the dance floor.

This is probably my husbands reaction to that statement...so sorry.

The event that we attend takes place at the Commemorative Air Force and they throw the most amazing swing dances! They throw a few of these a year and it's our new goal to attend all of them.
The best part is dressing up. Since it's a hanger dance, the have an authentic big band playing music, they give swing dance lessons and there's a costume contest...(which I have yet to win!).

 

This was us in the spring. It was so much fun!

 

Posing near the plane.

 

I found my first dress in an antique store for $18 and had my Mom modify it a wee bit to fit over my giant rib cage. It barely made it though the night. It's made of silk and slightly ancient, so there are now holes all over...probably from my ferocious dance moves.

I made a short film when we were there as well, feel free to watch it. But don't, unless you really like watching planes.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ch1w1gBt1ps

For the Fall Bomber's Moon Dance, I had a little more experience with doing my hair, makeup and even had some more clothes that we found on ebay. I was more than prepared this time...at least I thought I was.

This time around, I thought I was ready. I had remembered swing dance moves, I drank an Angry Orchard, knew which songs I wanted to dance to and even told Jalon that he only had to dance to 3 with me.

The first one, Moon River, is a waltz. For those of us that grew up in the Midwest, where it snows, we did dance in gym class during school. The waltz was one of the first dances I learned and never forgot. However, Jalon did not know how to waltz and even made fun of me for learning how to dance in gym class...as if I had an option. I spent that song teaching him how to waltz.

A brief interlude about my husband: He does not dance. He does not like to dance. He does not have the feet for dancing. At all. Combine all those and you have something like this:



I felt bad.

I didn't want to force him into doing something he didn't really want to do.

But there was one last song, my favorite one, I had been waiting for all night.

And when it finally came on, I bolted to the dance floor as fast as I could, turned around to look for my husband, (who I had thought was right behind me, excited to dance as well), but I could not see him. All of a sudden, a handsome stranger appeared in front of me.

He asked, "Would you like to dance?"

A small part of me (deep down inside) said "you shouldn't, your husband will be here in a second."

The bigger, more meaty part of me, said, "Dude...this is your favorite song, your husband is being slow so you will miss it and he won't have to dance. Plus, remember all those high school dances where you were never, EVER asked to dance? DO IT!!!"

I grabbed his hands, with a giant smile, and we hit the dance floor. On the way there, I warned him that I really had no idea what I was doing, but he just smiled and whipped me around that floor like I was a doll. It was awesome. Suddenly, I had moves I didn't know existed. Also, I had lots of sweat. All over.

I was so happy! I got to dance to my favorite song, the guy I was dancing with had some serious moves and didn't mind that I ruined them! This has never happened to me before. I love my husband, more than anything, but it was a nice little treat to feel special for those 2 minutes from some random stranger.

After the song ended and I headed back to my husband, where he was so patiently waiting for me, I apologized for doing that to him.

He sat there, holding a new beer, smiling at me. He told me it didn't really matter and he was glad I had fun.

You know why it didn't matter to him? Why he wasn't all jealous and upset that I ditched him to dance with some random guy?

Because he knew that random guy was HIRED to that. He was seeking out a girl to dance with, and found my pathetic, lonely butt and thought he scored big.

Damn.

And my husband still owes me a dance.
















 

These Crazy, Lazy Days of September

It's been awhile.

Like a full year.

What have I been doing this whole time?

Well, let's play a quick game of catch up. I wrote a book. A crappy one. But it's over 50,000 words I created from my own head. That should really tell you something about how crappy it is.

My 3 kids still drive me insane on a daily basis. Although, I get more time to myself now that they have school everyday. More time to do useful things...like binge on Netflix and iced coffee. Totally important keys to maintaining my sanity.

We have a guinea pig, named gus-gus, that is getting neglected about as much as the kids do. Fair is fair, after all.

I didn't really realize how much time children really consume during the week. With school, baths, homework, feeding schedules (yes, apparently, they do eat. Constantly.), dance classes, swim lessons, pioneer club, church and time for fun things*.

Our week is jam packed full of crap I really don't want to do. But I know if I don't do these things, my kids will run me into the ground with their constant whining about how "bored" they are. (Try the word "bored" on my parents, see where it gets you. Within seconds of saying that word, you will have a to-do list as long as your arm of all the cleaning/horrible chores you will need to do.) The more I can wear them out during the day, the better my chances are for some peace and quiet at night.

Is it worth it?

No clue yet. It all starts tonight. I'll let you know.

When I was on break from writing, I decided to try a video blog on Youtube. Yeah...that didn't last long. Turns out, no one likes to be on camera. Except for my 7 year old, who used the opportunity to showcase his many talents, like break dancing. Feel free to check out that video here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FSlp2bhXVMo

I took a minor detour in my normal Mom life to have an adventure in pin-up modeling. I had so much fun. Will continue to do it, just for fun...but it's not something I want to really do long term or as an actual job. Turns out pin-up models that like to keep their clothes fully on aren't in high demand. Shucks.

Yeah, that's my flat bottom. God made me that way.

I think he misheard me when I asked for a flat stomach...

 

I really just like to play dress-up and pin-up modeling gives me an actual reason to do so. Although, you should really see the looks I get going grocery shopping with the hair-do.

 

I do believe that's all I have. It's a crazy life, but it's mine and I'm trying to love all aspects of it.

 

The book I finished last November/December, is the same book I'm working on editing now. I'm trying to make it go from complete total crap to totally awesome in just a few months. I really have my work cut out for me...

 

I am also going to try to do more on here. Wish me luck. I'm going to need it all.



Stay at Home Mom with NO kids.

Day 1 of Child Abandonment: Going well. No tears from either party, which shows that both were completely ready for this separation. Now...what to do with all this extra time I have NOT doing "Mom" stuff...?

The twins are going to preschool, two days a week for a few hours in the morning. With Evan in 1st grade now, I have the WHOLE HOUSE to myself for a bit! Not a huge amount of free time, but it's so wonderfully quiet for those hours.

Think of all the stuff I could get done! If I was smart, I would kick my to-do list in the tush and be done with the whole house in a few hours! It would be sooooo clean!

Hmm...sounds boring. And I don't want my husband to get the wrong idea about what kind of housekeeper I am. I've set the bar low...I should keep it there.

Next idea? Go all Home Alone and jump on the beds, watch Supernatural on Netflix (ON THE BIG TV) while eating muddy buddies in the middle of the living room. "I'm eating dessert in the living room, for breakfast AND I don't have to share!!!"

Although, I just worked my butt off to fit into a size 6 pant...pretty sure I don't want to ruin that by eating my weight in muddy buddies.

I could work on my large list of hobbies and actually accomplish something that I've been storing for years. Knitting, a puzzle, a good book, stained glass projects or one of my painted signs...

I don't want to burn myself out with all that excitement. It's only day 1 of preschool. I have a whole year to have tons of fun. Plus, I want to spend time writing. Time to put on my bra and work on my book. (I know it sounds weird, but that's how you know I mean business. I put on my bra.) Not nearly as fun, but I do have a small dish of muddy buddies by my side. And it's quiet. What more could a girl ask for?